Hive on Tour: No Pablo Espaniol!!

Quick note – Yes I realise this is now over two months late, and I’m not even halfway through the holiday yet... but fuck it.. How am I meant to do anything other than drink or work in august? Go fuck yourselves (na don’t, but cut me some slack eh!) I am going to try and pull up my breeches and get some serious blogging done throughout the month of September

Day 6 – Wednesday – Again, up very early for the bus. The rules at this ‘hostel’ meant that we were unable to shower since it was before 10am. If we had showered the fucking circuit would have exploded (delicate is a word I have heard used to describe foreign circuits). The bus ride was fairly smooth, although I was sick of ham and cheese sandwiches. We reached Granada around 9am. Granada being the place that I had heard nothing of, yet anyone who I asked about Andalucía always mentioned Granada very high on the list. Before we even got off the bus, the view of the mountains was breathtaking. How can there be snow when it’s over 40 degrees? I was quite keen to climb one (I reckon they would have towered above a number of Munroe’s...- maybe I should confirm that, but I just can’t be fucked! - ), in the end I didn’t climb one, I was just too fucked. But sorry I digress (and predict a riot (fuck)). So we got off the bus. The bus station was miles out of town (who does that?) We were all fucking starving, and parched as well, it was 9am and 40 fucking degrees! (Note that I’m not complaining) so we went in search of a coca light and a bocadillo. Directly across the road was a cafe which we promptly sat down at.
Now I can’t explain how this happened... at the time we all had our heads down feeling really sorry for him and just wanting him to leave, it was shit. I would now be prepared to say it was one of the best things that happened on our trip.

Everyone has been eating a meal, or sitting on a train or whatever, when someone with a clarinet or violin or some kind of ‘talent’(although whoever would call playing a musical instrument a ‘talent’ is clearly an idiot, it’s a piece of piss to play one) plays a song, and will walk up to each table asking for money. That morning in Granada, an ancient man with a massive lump on his forehead - which made him look like a vampire from Buffy – played us possibly the most discordant, dissonant and incongruous(like how I used my thesaurus there?) piece of music known to man(infact, it wasn’t quite as bad as DMH..burn!). I don’t know how he played it... It was like he spent 7 minutes (yeah it lasted 7 minutes) picking 4 notes at complete random and playing them all at once for 4 bars, then changing the notes. – That description does not do it justice. Please ask me in person for a demonstration. Now that was pretty bad yeah, but the thing about it was, at the end of every 4 bar “phrase” he would(now I don’t want to turn this into a technical music thing with terminology that no one understands, if you don’t understand – please ask me!) at the end of every 4 bar phrase, over beats 3 and 4 he would play a little run using the notes C-B-A-B-A with the rhythm ‘3 e and a 4(staccato on the 4). Whenever he came out of that little phrase, and got settled into the next section, he would look up and grin maniacally. I spent the whole 7 minutes trying not to piss myself. My biggest regret of the holiday was not giving him as much money as possible, taking him into a studio and recording an album.

As I said, I can’t describe how funny that actually was. Fucking brilliant. We got a sandwich and two cokes whatever, We almost passed out from the heat before we decided to get a taxi into town. That guy was just so fucking funny. We spent ages looking for the hostel we had decided to stay at(it was rated as sociable on the hostelbookers website). After we had been lost for ages, I decided it would be a good idea to follow two young Chinese girls because they were probably going to a hostel too(and they were hot and I was kindof bored). Aidan still had a reluctance to ask directions, so I tried asking a barman.. I, pronounced the street name completely wrong, and couldn’t understand his answer.. good one. Somehow, we eventually found the place. It turned out our difficulties weren’t unfounded. Mactub was the name of the place, but it was not spelt ‘MACTUB’, it was actually just a random Arab symbol. So we went in without reservations, Aidan had a conversation with the man in Spanish for a couple of minutes in which he sorted out our rooms. He then told us about the cost/deposit etc... The boy then turns to us and says ‘I’m from Brighton mate, always good to practise the Spanish though’. We booked the hostel for the night, and said we would let him know later if we wanted it another night. We got ourselves settled in good and proper, had showers...Craig and Aidan did some Laundry!!

Now the thing to see in Granada, is the Alhambra Palace – Apparently one of the 7 wonders of the world (although on checking Wikipedia that is not true, and the page has been protected so I can’t change it). – So, considering we weren’t sure how long we were staying in Granada, the best thing to do seemed to check out the Palace. We spent three hours looking for it. Instead of asking for even the vaguest directions... we picked a direction that we thought it was likely to be in, and started walking. We found what was evidently a school tour, and they were probably going to the Palace, so we followed them. We came to a viewing platform, and we even said to each other ‘wow look at those buildings, they look great’. I got a photo of them on my phone. It didn’t really click that those buildings were the palace. I was still fucked from the heat, and couldn’t really be fucked speaking to anyone... We were still pretty sick of each other and I needed some time alone. Instead of saying to them I was gonna go for a wander on my own, I just kindof trudged along about 20 metres behind them. I didn’t stress, they were getting stressed about being lost etc, I was fed up of being stressed. We were in a beautiful part of the world, and I was content to absorb it, without seeing sights etc. At some point I did mention that I thought we were actually looking at the Alhambra, but I wasn’t that bothered. We wandered along a dusty road for over an hour, we thought it might lead us around the mountains and to the palace (clutching at fucking straws haha??). How long were we planning on walking for??
We eventually reached a small ‘town’(it looked like the stone huts on Tatooine!) There was a man stopped on a scooter, we asked him ‘Alhambra?’ He looked at us like we were a bunch of idiots. He pointed back the way we had came. It was about 40 degrees, and we were all very thirsty. We stopped at the local shop for some juice. Again, another of Spains redeeming features is the fact that it has places like this – The shop was called ‘Chicken and Bread’ (In Spanish). There was no door to the shop. There was a window. With Bars. The shopkeeper was an 80 year man, and he stood behind the window. He took your order, then went through the back to get what you were after, took your money, and providing that the dimensions of your product were less than 2ftx0.5ft, he handed the product to you through the bars. What the fuck?? Why does a grocery have to have jailbars?? Of course if you want to buy a fudge cake or massive tub of ice cream then you’re fucked.

So we got a couple drinks from the weird man in the shop, and headed back along the road. When we got back to Granada we found a path that seemed to lead round the side of a mountain(and you wonder why we get lost all the fucking time?) so we followed it – Lo and Behold, half an hour later – We found the Alhambra – 10 minutes before last admissions. We decided it was too expensive to go and do the tour, so we walked about for a while trying to find a way to sneak in (not that easy since it’s a palace!’), and after a while gave up and walked home.
No joke, it took us 5 minutes to walk home. If we had stepped out our hostel earlier that day, and turned left instead of right, we would have been there in 5 minutes. Unbelievable.

Got home showered etc. We went to the supermarket and bought ourselves a lot of food and beer. Ridiculously cheap. Got back and started cooking. It was my turn to cook (because last time I just sat trying to write my blog!) so I took charge. Spanish kitchens are so stupid. They don’t have kettles, and they are very dangerous. I almost gassed us to death when I was switching on the hob. I can’t remember what we cooked. Pasta of some variety...I think it had chorizo (yuck) and various other things to make it awesome. It was a social place. People kept coming in and being well impressed by what we had cooked. Creating a good name for Scottish cooks on the road. We started drinking some (very dodgy) beer. I can’t remember whether this guy was working or just lived there, or what his name was – But let’s call him Maurice. He was a sound guy, but a total chancer. He asked us for a beer. Fair enough, not a big ask... but we had only bought enough to see US the night, and they were litres of beer...that’s basically 2 cans!! We gave him one, we didn’t wanna seem like dicks on our first night (plenty of time for that). A Luxembourgian couple sat down with us, they were eating ‘Pasta, Luxemburg style’ – I.e. pasta covered in soup. Legends, I am going to have that soon. After we had finished our food, we headed upstairs to the sun terrace. I would have to say that night we met some fantastic people. John – Raised in the Bavarian Ghettos. I had no idea whether to believe a word this guy said. He was so funny. He reminded me strongly of a chef I knew at the time, I found him fucking hilarious. He was a hardcore traveller, 30 years old and obviously hadn’t been home since he was about 20(obviously never showered either). He would occasionally tell me that my accent was so sexy that it made him quiver. He was going to take us out to a reggae club later where he could touch girls.

There was two French Canadian girls (more fucking Canadians...ah they’re pretty cool), three English girls (2 were hot and almost twins, 1 was kindof fat and had the WORST accent in the world), they were cool... very blonde. There was an American guy who was travelling on his own and didn’t stay at the hostel. An Austrian and I can’t remember who else. The Luxembourgian were quiet and stayed downstairs talking to Dom about Hearts players. I’m not really sure what happened, but we made our way through a lot of beer, and a lot of vodka. Maurice, or Moroccan (since he refused to call us anything other than ‘Scottish!’) was starting to get on my nerves. We were having good banter. He asked for some vodka... We gave him a small measure...he then said that was a pussy measure, and asked for some more. Personally I would have said no, but Dom was in charge. I was drinking stupid measures of vodka. Like almost pure vodka... why... I don’t know. We had a great conversation with the English birds, telling them about the violin man from earlier. We somehow got onto the subject that there was a man who wandered up and down the stairs in the hostel playing a flute, had they not met him yet?? I love telling stories to blondes, they are so gullible, you can literally tell them anything. (Make a mental note to start telling blonde girls ridiculous stories... maybe I can do a study to try and discover what percentage of blonde girls are actually thick as shit – no offense to anyone who is blonde, I’m just jealous)

After a while, things degenerated into a shouting match. I gave Moroccan a lesson in Scottish, teaching him ‘Och Aye the Noo’... He then asked me what it meant... I have no idea, so I made something up like ‘Everything is fine at the moment’. I was speaking rapid French to the Chinese French Canadian girl. The Moroccan kept telling us Scottish to be silent, because when we talk we shout. What a dick...everyone was shouting. I think John started to feel sad once we all got drunk and stopped listening to his strange ramblings. He needs the attention on him. He was funny though. He seemed to hate anywhere we had been, saying it was too ‘touristy’. Moroccan had an argument with the American about buying drugs in Tangier. He made a good point that when they realise you are American or ‘minted’, they try and rip you off. Maurice can’t speak to travelling friends in morocco or he’ll get arrested.

At some stage we headed out to a pub. I really am not sure what happened at this stage. We were all fucked. I somehow made friends with a Spanish guy, and told him I would get him a job in the Kings Manor in August. He gave me his mobile, email and MySpace. I made no effort to get him a job (why should I?). I am not sure if we went to another pub or what... I really don’t know. I seem to remember running along a beach away from everyone... There’s no beach in Granada. Everyone but John, Maurice and Austrian were going home. I didn’t want to go home, I wanted to go clubbing so I stayed out with them. Moroccan knows everyone in Granada and so managed to get me in for free to the club (although I’m sure at some stage I was almost getting sent home. So I went out clubbing with these three strange men. The club was totally dead when we went in, but it was one of these things where it fills up pretty quickly. I would like to say that I chatted up some really hot Spanish birds, and I would like to say I got somewhere with them... I may have done... but I have no memory, for I made a grave grave mistake.

Whenever I drink vodka lemonades, I will generally drink doubles. I got Austrian (his name may have been Gustav...or maybe I’m just making that up) to order me a double. He looked at me in shock. I was like mate, just do it. He asked the barman, and everyone around the bar looked round in shock. I was like look you Spanish fucking weirdoes, goan just give me a fucking double vodka lemonade. ‘Ok Ok, Si Senor’. The barman got a tall glass, filled it ¾ of the way up with vodka. He then opened a bottle of lemonade, and topped the glass up. He then filled the remainder of the lemonade bottle up with vodka. Fuck. Not what I had expected. Next thing I remember I’m out the club and I have no fucking clue where I am. I knew the street name I was staying on, but it was a little side street that not everyone knew about. I was completely out of money so I couldn’t get a taxi. I walked around asking people for directions. My Spanish is very limited (and what I do know is wrong) and I went up to various people saying ‘No Pablo Espaniol’. I though it meant I don’t speak Spanish. Apparently it means ‘No Paul, Spain’. I walked for fucking hours. I walked through a fucking ghetto where I thought I was gonna be killed. At one stage I thought I was close, then I seemed to end up in Venice. I think I was actually parallel to our hostel but I missed the turning and walked on for another 2 miles. It was so scary. I did make friends with 6 cats who helped me onto the right path (did they fuck they were useless), I forget their names, but I’m sure one was called tom. After walking for what seemed like days I came across a familiar site. It was an Arab palace from the 14th Century. I had somehow walked into the grounds of the Alhambra Palace. We had spent over 3 hours looking for it during the day, and the one time I don’t want to be there I have no difficulty in getting there. It was one of the strangest places I’ve ended on a walk home. Despite knowing that I was now 5 minutes from being home, I still had no idea which direction to go in... I found a nearby 5 star hotel... I staggered in and asked the woman on the desk ‘do you speak English?’ yes. How do I get home? Thankyou! I made it outside the hostel just as it was getting light, but unfortunately the adventure was not over... We only had one key, and the guys had it, and they were asleep. Fuck.

Spent 5 minutes shouting on them at the window, no answer. I slept on the door step for a while. When I woke up I was desperately needing a shit. I walked around the square, where the shops were just opening... I needed someone to let me in to do the toilet... no one would let me without buying a drink, and they wouldn’t except my loose scrap of change either. I went back to the hostel and shouted some more. No one would answer their phones either useless bastards. It was pretty chilly somehow as well. Eventually the Chinese French Canadian answered the door. She looked shocked to see me. I simply said ‘Thank you’. I Walked to the toilet, then I went to bed.

Hive On Tour: Celtic City

Day 5 – Tuesday – Woke up very early. Like it was still dark – It never gets dark in Spain! Yet here we are. I think we had to get our bus at 7. We brought loads of bread, ham and cheese with us. I think the bus took like 5 hours or something. At some stage, we got stopped at a tollbooth - Armed police came on and started shouting at Aidan. He had no idea what the guy was on about. Some Spanish man came up and translated for us. He was asking if we had drugs haha. Coming from Gibraltar which is near Morocco...i.e. drug capital of the world (apparently). We told him no, and he went away. Crazy bastards. We made it to Seville early in the morning, and set about finding somewhere to stay. We found this place. Very strange place. Fuck it tho, we were tired and hungry, and we just wanted to relax. You needed to ring a buzzer to get in. We then got our keys, me and Craig got single beds each... Dom and Aidan had to share a double. We went for showers – While Dom was in the shower, Aidan switched on the light- This caused the circuit to trip – We asked the girl about it, and she was shocked that we didn’t know that having switching on a light while the shower was on trips the circuit. Fucking ridiculous. Once we were all ready, Aidan and Craig needed to find a Laundrette (obviously). The first challenge was getting out. The door wouldn’t open, and our key didn’t work in the door. Apparently, if you want to leave this place you have to ring the bell, and someone comes down to let you out. They then take your key from you. When you come back you have to ring the bell to get in, and they give you your key back. Very strange. Also a potential fire hazard no? So we set out. No luck finding a laundrette...

We then went to have a tour of Seville. What is there to see? We don’t know. We wandered about for ages, through orange gardens, past cathedrals, etc etc. Why is no one speaking to us! This was probably one of the worst days on the holiday, for me anyway. We had spent the past 3 days or something like that speaking to no one, and we were all hating each other. Seville was lovely, but it was so hot – 44 degrees! We were going to go into the cathedral, but Craig hadn’t brought his student ID so we didn’t bother... No big loss really, but it was something to do. We did a tour of the bull ring. Worst tour I’ve ever been on. Basically some woman who sounded like a gay Spanish mouse rattled off the script in Spanish, and then In English. She had evidently learnt the script and nothing else. No punctuation or anything. It was shit. Aswell as that, I had some Spanish people next to me, and once she had finished the Spanish section, they started talking about it, which meant I couldn’t hear the English section. Bull fighting is pretty brutal – All the odds are stacked against the bull, and on the off chance that the bull kills anyone – They then kill the bull and its entire family.

After that, we went for some lunch. I had some Gazpacho. Cold Soup. It was strange, but pretty cool. I can’t remember what I had for main course – I think it was decent though. Lots of zumo de naranca. We found the (big) river, and decided to hire a pedalo. I love it how we try and pretend we’re doing a sightseeing tour, but we always spend most of the time looking for a beach, or some form of water. We went out on the pedalo. Just about got destroyed under a ferry, but it was all good. Decided to moor the boat and jump into the river. Some teenage hoodlums told us the water was covered in glass, and we should go further up. We did. Did some jumping in. It was awesome. The water was manky, but it didn’t matter. So refreshing. Dom somehow managed to cut his leg up. Great fun though. We headed back in, the Olympic gondola team were practising for the Venice Olympics... slightly strange but funny. We got in the way of some canoe training. As we came into port, we went to moor the boat to the side of the cafe we had rented it from. We were a couple foot away from where we should be, so the cafe owner stuck his hand out to me to help pull us in. Now I assumed he had a good hold of something onshore, so I just pulled. He very nearly fell in. To the point where he was balancing on one foot. It was so funny, but I bet if he had fallen in he would not have found it too funny (Imagine coming home to your wife after a day at work... ‘how was work honey?’ ‘I fell in the river!’. Unless you work as a diver, I think that would be pretty unusual. I would never expect to fall in a river at work). Second attempt, this time I let him pull me. That worked better. We headed along the river a bit and had a bit of a snooze on some grass(mingin grass – covered in shit). There were some hot Americans there, but they didn’t speak to us. Why is no one speaking to us! We headed along the road, I started to feel Sun stroke coming on. I told the guys I needed some water, but they just ignored me, babbling on about a laundrette. I got some juice, sat down and just felt totally fucked. These fucking nippy girls were chanting a really annoying song in Spanish. Eventually I started to recover. Close call. Doctor Aidan to the rescue again...ha. Back to the hostel and refreshed ourselves, using the immensely complex process of entering the hostel. I hate these hostels where there’s no one to speak to! We decided we have to make a concentrated effort to just stay in actual youth hostels from now on.

We went out for a drink/trying to find an internet cafe. Aidan was too scared to ask for directions so we just aimlessly wandered about for a while. Turned out there was no internet cafes, but we found a square which had free wifi. It didn’t work, but fuck it. We came across this square where hundreds of people just stood there drinking very small beers. Almost pointless drinking it. Just give me a pint! Still no one spoke to us, but you could see us getting strange looks. I guess that’s a start. A couple beers later and we headed back to the flat (hostel flat). This place had air conditioning, which was at least good. Although woke up in the middle of the night and it was absolutely fucking Baltic. Better than being hot...i guess. We were in bed so early.

So to sum up, Seville was fairly dull... A beautiful place, but we didn’t know anyone to speak to and it was pretty boring...since we all hated each other all day.

Tomorrow – Onto Granada, home of the Alhambra palace and mountains – I loved Granada. We may actually speak to people....

Hive On Tour: Monkey Loving Fun

Day 4 – Monday – Got up, it was pretty cracking to have an en-suite bathroom and no queue for a shower. Just like being at home(almost). Dumped our stuff with the man downstairs and headed in search for some food. The heat was mental, almost unbearable. We found a café in a square… they told us all they could make was ham and cheese sandwiches, or French omelette's. Strange. It turned out to be fucking expensive too. We were off to Gibraltar today. I’m not sure how much anyone knows about Gibraltar, so I shall briefly explain(wrongly). It was in the hands of the Arabs until 1314 When 1000 Spaniards led by a shepherd attacked and claimed it. At some stage, it was awarded to Britain in some form of treaty. It is currently British.

We went through passport control, walked for a minute or so then came across a sign saying ‘Danger, Live Runway. Please Cross Quickly’. There is a set of traffic lights, and a barrier. Just after we had crossed, the barrier came down and a plane landed. Its pretty mental like. Not the best place to be an amber gambler. We found a petrol station and it sold Irn Bru!! Fucking awesome because we had been craving it. (oh I forgot to mention, we had been trying to describe Irn Bru to the Australians a couple days before…It’s impossible.. Anyone have a good word? Phenomenal) Got into the town, and it is essentially like Disneyland, if Disneyland had a Britain themed area. It feels like were in Spain..but theres english pubs, Marks and Spencers, The money is Pounds. Its so weird. There is also no tax, so you can get like a litre bottle of vodka for like £5. Pretty cool. It’s a twisted place tho. It has a very strange feel to it. The main reason we were going was for the rock. You get a cable car up. There was a few people offering us Bus tours for like 20 euros. They would drive us up and show us all the sights. They told us the cable car was 20 euros in itself. Fuck it, we wanna get a cable car. Turns out they had been trying to scam us, the cable car was only about 6 euros. Or sorry. £6. I forgot they use pounds. It wasn’t that high up, no higher than the pentland hills(which I cant actually see as I look out the window right now..its so misty! Why am I not in spain), but it was a lot steeper. Like very steep. And it just sits on its own. Aidan and Craig shat themselves in the cable car. It was awesome. As soon as the car reached the top there was a monkey hanging off the edge. Absolutely mental, I have never seen a monkey before. They are awesome.
A primatologist gave us some information about the monkeys - They are not tame, they tolerate humans. Do not touch. They were so cool! We set off for a walk. We walked past the bus tour -the guide of which was asking everyone if they wanted a photo with the monkey sitting on them(obviously not a primatologist). We just about got killed by the monkeys when we walked past. A couple of them had baby monkeys hanging round their necks(they were about the size of a wii remote). Brilliant.
We climbed up some steps to what we thought was the highest point(not quite, but it was still pretty high), from there we could see Africa. There were lions and elephants and stuff roaming about the shores. We found a wall, directly over the wall was a sheer drop down to the beach. Apparently a Spanish shepherd led 500 Soldiers up it to attack the Arabs. Mental. It's hard to describe, but it was pretty close to being a vertical wall. There was this huge black guy walking about with a baby house on his back. In that heat it was ridiculous. We asked them where the caves were or something. The daughter was not in a good mood.

We found the Caves, but to get to them we had to run past a wasps nest. Not easy.
The caves were breathtaking. 7ooft deep apparently. Absolutely brilliant. They have a stage for gigs and stuff. We are gonna do a gig there one day. It will be billed as 'The Hardest Gig to get to ever!'. People having to get a cable car up haha. It would be epic though. We got some lunch in the cave cafe. I think I had like pasta salad or something. We headed back along and I cant remember what else we did. Time wasnt on our side, so we got the cable car down. Aidans ticket blew away in the wind. Fuck. I convinced the guy to let us on. Just as the cable car pulled up, a monkey pushed his friend in front of the cable car. Slightly risky. Its only a joke if both people are laughing. Cheeky monkeys! Trying to kill their friends. Monkeys are fucking awesome!

We headed back across the runway. Back to La Linea de la Conception. We did look into getting a ferry to Africa, but it was just going to complicate things so we decided against it.
Craig and Aidan got it stuck in their head that they had to do some Laundry. So we spent ages walking about looking for a Laundrette. Got some bread, Ham and Cheese for our tea. Like fucking hundreds of it. Made them, and ate them in the Hotel. We attempted to play cards, but realised we didn't know how to play any card games. We played a very strange version of shithead. We had half of the rules, but we just didn't play it right. Went to bed pretty shortly after that. I switched the fan off, i think at some stage Craig switched it on again(to be fair it was fucking hot). I couldn't sleep cos of the noise of the fan, so after a while I was like fuck it and switched it off. So fucking hot though. at some stage throughout the night some guy was in the street screaming 'YO! YO MAN!' for fucking ages. It was funny though. My one regret of the day...We didn't swim with any dolphins.

Tomorrow - Up early doors for a bus to Sevilla. Day in Sevilla - We have no idea what there is to do in Sevilla! Game on.

Hive On Tour: I Love Water

Day 3 – Sunday –

Crazy thought just before going to bed at 7am.. I’ll set my alarm for 8.30. Stupid and of course I never heard it. Woke up at like 10.30 in my nappy. We all started showering. I went in and was like what the fuck. The strangest shower I have ever seen. It had your typical shower head, another bigger head that pointed down, and 6 nozzles that pointed out. There was a knob that you could use to pick which of the nozzles you used, but it made no sense. That could have made for the ultimate shower bath, but it was in a tiny cubicle. So strange. I came out and asked the room if anyone found the shower completely confusing ‘na mate(in an aussie accent), it was just a shower’. They then pointed out that on the door to the one I used, there was a sign saying ‘DO NOT USE’ oops. As I came out of the shower the girl shouted something Spanish and pointed at the sign that said check out was 11. Oops. Aidan still had to shower, so It was almost 12 by the time we left. Just dropped our keys and ran. Good effort.
We were off to Aqua Land!
Made our way to the bus station and spent ages trying to figure out which bus we had to get, and where we had to get it to. Etc. Some spanish man helped us. Got on the bus, which was jam packed and so we had to stand in the aisle with all our bags. It meant that a lot of jumping and squishing and just general maneuvering had to be done whenever anyone wanted to get off the bus. This hot bird just laughed at us. We got off the bus and got some pizza. La Quenta. Good pizza. After that we asked a taxi driver to take us to Aqua Land.. he just laughed. A bad sign..haha. We got there, and it turns out we had read our flyer wrong(it had 9euros plastered all over the front of it), it wasnt 9 euros each..it was actually 20. Made no sense, but whatever, we were there. We asked the woman if there was somewhere we could store our bags(and we clearly pointed to our bag(quite big), she said yes of course. We found the lockers and they were fucking tiny. Like they could barely hold a football. We spoke with someone else, who told us to wait, and we spoke to the manager who kindly let us keep our bags in his office.
This place was exactly what we needed. Massive slides, loadsof girls in bikinis - excellent. The first slide we went on was pretty standard - 4 slides that go down together. Pretty good fun. A wee boy before me did a complete spin. It was awesome. I tried it and hit my head. Next me and Aidan did this half pipe thing where we sat in a dingy. It was so fucking scary, I thought I was gonna go over the edge, or fall out of the dingy. It was pretty cool tho. All the life guards here are super hot. The one for that ride was dressed like tomb raider. (Womb raider haha..so immature). I think next we went on this one called the black hole which was pretty awesome. Next was Kamikaze... The name says it all. You spend like 30mins climbing the stairs, and you can see africa from the top. They call it a slide, but you essentially freefall with your arse lightly touching some plastic. Its fucking awesome, I'm pretty confident That is the fastest I've ever travelled(this is the biggest I've ever been). I just about took off. In complete contrast to that, the next one had a massive que, and was utterly shit. I literally had to push myself along for three quarters of it. Near the end there was a big dip and I managed to get enough momentum to go the rest of the way. I have never laughed so hard as when Aidan came round the final corner and into view of me, still pushing himself along. He actually stopped dead just before the end and just jumped off into the water. So shit, but so funny. The last one we went on was so funny but awesome. You basically sat in a rubber ring and went down all these poofy slides. Kindof like what water rafting(what water rafting? WHITE WATER RAFTING!) except less intense. We acted like Idiots so the hot life guards could save us. I splashed one with water. They were not up for banter! Went into a cold jacuzzi which sprayed water on my face. It was so confusing. We decided to call it a day after one more shot on the Kamikaze. Went to pick up our bags, the manager was not impressed with us dripping water all over his office(but to be fair, what the fuck did he expect!) Walked to the bus station, picked up an Ice Cream(I SCREAM!) which was fucking cracking. Got the bus to La Linea De La Contraception. Craig had the worst bus Journey ever because some bitch had leant her seat back meaning craig had no room whatsoever. I, on the other hand, had a fucking awesome journey, because this Girl was fucking stunning, and her leaning back gave me an absolutely cracking view. At some stage she turned round and smiled at me, before stretching her arms and breathing heavily. I was tempted to ask her to marry me. So hot. We got off the bus at like 1130pm, having not even looked at hostels. Thats what happens when you're hungover. We made our way into town, trying to ask random people where to find a hostel. The first 3 people we asked ignored us completely. Quite strange. Eventually someone helped us, and we found A hostal. Interesting fact, the word 'Hostal' in spain, is equivalent to a bed and breakfast here. So we had private twin rooms(it worked out about 20 euros each), with ensuite bathrooms. This was exactly what we needed. Fucking great. There was a restaurant next door with a menu of the day. I had some Paella(not bad, although there was no way I was eating that shrimp..it had eyes!), followed by a Steak(slightly bland, no sauce..but it was decent). After that we went straight to bed. Pretty good to get a good nights sleep, Even if it was slightly hot(or roasting!)

Tomorrow - We visit Gibraltar, Monkeys, Caves and Britain.

Hive on Tour:For I Am The Lady of Louisiana!

Day two – Saturday – We decided to stay another night in Malaga.. cos it was pretty cool. Unfortunately Maximo Park could not give us a room. Fuck. This is where the stress of our holiday started – we never booked anywhere more than 12 hours ahead. Bad thinking really, but that was the way it worked. Maximo looked after our bags.. we surfed the net, found a decent looking hostel – then headed out in search for it. It was so hot. Unbelievable. On the way across some weird woman tried to give me a fern, I refused but aidan used his master translation skills to tell me it was a gift. She then read my fortune and made me give her 5 euros. She wanted 10 so I think im cursed forever. Stupid cunt, I was ready to fight her. Got to the address of the hostel, and found that it was just an office block.. what the fuck. I’m not quite sure how it worked out, but basically we walked back to our hostel, picked up our bags and got to this ‘office block’.. stood outside for a while.. This was still pretty early, cant have been much past 1pm. We eventually saw a ‘youth’ go in, so we followed them up to the 6th floor where it turned out the hostel was...weird. Game on though. Beach time. Apparently the beach was a 900m walk. 900m my arse. It took us about 1hr to walk there. We were hungry by this time, so went to burger king and got a long chicken. We ate outside.. could barely see anything it was so bright, and the tables were metal. Hit the beach. It was pretty awesome, although the water was absolutely freezing.. I cant believe I expected it to be hot haha. Still brilliant. I got sunburnt to fuck. It was awesome. We stayed there till like 8 at night. I have no idea where all the time goes. Got back, had a quick snooze.

There was 2 aussies in our room who were like ‘a couple beers tonight mate?’ game on. We went to the supermarket and got shed loads of food. This hostel provided free pasta. Beer was cheap as fuck in the supermarket. 4 cooks would definitely spoil the broth, so I cracked open a beer and started to write my blog. 3 times the fucking power cut out, each time it was because Aidan switched the kettle on. I gave up, I was like fuck this – I will do it when I get back. The Aussies were bemused as to how i got away with sitting on a computer while the others slaved over a hot stove. Too many cooks spoil the broth, and I do not want any form of broth spoiled. Anyway, I cut up the bread. We had fuck loads of carbonara. Seriously, everyone was so impressed. There was this American girl there too. Potentially the only girl in the hostel(until a French Canadian appeared). The aussie boys were up for partying so we decided to act like Scottish twats. Drank some cheap beer, some cheap vodka, mixed vodka, beer and wine in a pan that had recently contained carbonara(and still a mushroom) aidan won the challenge(whatever that challenge may have been). The power went off again, the guy at the hostel said it was the air conditioning, even tho it always tripped whenever someone switched the kettle on... Eventually we left. There was also a couple from Guadalahara(I think...) We thought the Hostel worked(Australian) was getting rid of us because of the noise – it turns out he just wanted to come out and get fucked with us. We ran down the 6 flights of stairs in the pitch black with the Australians, Andy managed to hide a corner and scare the shit out of aidan..brillaint. We met like 20 people from another hostel at our door. A Columbian, 2 canadians(hot), Some Spanish American irish from Louisiana(ask aidan for their accent, it was fucking brilliant – Sounded American, except random words would come out thick irish...awesome), a couple from Birmingham and a Weegie. I think that was it. We decided to be proper Scottish bastards all night. Went into an offie for a bottle of vodka, the Columbian said he wanted a bottle of whisky too. We come out with a litre of vodka...he came out with a 50ml miniature Jack Daniels. I have never laughed so much. Good lad tho, I believe he was called Maurice, or quite possibly something else like Horacio. He was sound. He told me about his mushroom trips he had had in the past. Oh I forgot to mention, the green man in spain actually runs. And theres a countdown timer. It’s the best thing in the world. Except it doesent mean anything, the drivers go through red lights all the time. Its very strange. We went to the same place as we had been the night before, except this time we were speaking to people!(we would occasionally smile at each other and exclaim excitedly ‘we’re speaking to people!’) haha. The Louisiana folk asked me to sing them a Scottish song, I sang them Loch Lomond(the Glaswegian said that wasn’t a real Scottish song..whatever, go fuck yourself mate). He then recited a rabbie burns poem...that may be Scottish, but your a fucking geek mate. In return, I made the girl sing me ‘The Lady From Louisiana’, which she didn’t know. After I while I realised it wasn’t a song, but the name of a train in a book I read. So I got her to pretend to be a train. Good effort. We sang lots of Scottish songs. ‘HERE WE, HERE WE, HERE WE FUCKING Go!’. We also made a lot of exaggerations about Scotland. Such as when the sun comes out people stop working and go and lie in the sun(kindof true i guess... I do it...). Talking to the Candians about Ice Hockey, and their use of Ehye(whatever, I don’t know how they spell it). I basically spent the rest of the night talking in a Canadian accent. I told them about our Ice Hockey team called the HIVE HITMEN, and they said they could hook us up with a tour if we came to Canada. I made my vodka a touch too strong, prompting me to put the puke in the post. It got lost at the post office, luckily. There was a big pirate ship in the water(somalian pirates with their Skull and Crossbones-is that what its called?), we tried to commandeer the ship but to no avail.

We headed for a club, on the way I played a Columbian at invisible basketball, he kicked my cunt in. It started properly raining, but the rain was so hot. The American guy was running and sliding for miles, Aidan Tried it 3 times and fell on the floor 3 times. Brilliant. It seems Malagans are particularly fond of Prince, and they have a massive monument to him in their town centre. We sang Purple Rain to him. I got chatting to the French Canadian, I may have in there, but she was a bit weird so I was unsure. She told me 3 phrases to say when I met a French girl, slightly forward(and they don’t really work) 1-Hello, you are beautiful. 2 – cant remember..oops. 3-would you like to sleep with me? She told me it would result in me getting touched...but she never said whether it would be in a good way. Dom occasionally came up and added ‘je suis tres fatigue aujourdui’. We made it to the club, but it was too expensive so we went to COOL – where we had been the night before – It was not bad, a bit too expensive so I got a litre of beer and milked it forever. In the whole place(maybe the size of opium’s downstairs-but very busy) they only had 1 toilet. As in 1 cubicle. My house has more than that. Me and Craig did some sword fighting in the toilet to combat the queues. Bit messy, and the Spanish in the queue behind us were a bit like what the fuck. SCOTTISH BASTARDS. Aidan used his Spanish to speak to some guy, who gave him 2 90% shots. Aidan became pretty fucked(or was already pretty fucked). That place was pretty shit, so we left. I met some welsh guy outside who was trying to convince me to double team someone with him. Slightly strange. The Columbian took us all back to his hostel(he worked there, and most people lived there). It took us ages, I sang ‘take it easy’ with the Canadian girl, pretty much the whole way back. She was a bit of banter, but went to her bed once we got back to the hostel. We took the bus back, I stood on the hinge of the bus, fucking weird and slightly tricky when your pished. Got back to the hostel and had a beer. Canadian went to bed...poor show! Spent most of the time in there chatting with the French Canadian. I didn’t really have much of a clue what she was talking about to be honest. She was a vet and had to save a tiger with two heads.. she was pretty cool, but I have no idea what she was on about. We listened to some rage. Aidan jumped on a stool and went right through it, I have never seen anything so funny. He eventually fell asleep. Irish American made some Chorizo and scrambled egg. Pretty tasty. Except I am not a fan of Chorizo. Still chatting away absolute shite. Started speaking to our hostel man about transformers and other nostalgic childhood stuff, he was a bit older than me...so I wasn’t really sure what he was on about half the time. Eventually it was time to go home. Woke Aidan up... kind of. He got up and started walking like a robot. He walked like he knew where he was going, but he had no idea. He wouldn’t look at any of us. He just kept walking. I had to get him to wait for our guide, the only way I could do this was by standing in front of him and saying random Spanish sounding words and making gestures for him to slow down. It worked. Still he kept walking, with me just behind him to make sure he didn’t walk infront of a car or anything. He pissed against a wall and just kept walking. After about 30 mins he turned to me and said ‘I’m sorry’. And that was him back awake, still totally fucked, but we could talk to him now. Our Australian guide jumped on a traffic come which just caved in on him, so he started complaining that they should be made much stronger than that – oh yeah...im sure that the ability to support the weight of a fully grown man is high in their list of priorities when designing traffic cones. Made it back to the hostel and went to bed. Craig was their too. Me and Dom went to the toilet when we got in. Apparently Craig asked Aidan where we were and he said ‘I have no fucking idea’. I got in and I was afraid I would expose myself to someone so I made a nappy out of my bed sheet. Fell asleep. Pretty good. So fucked.

Tomorrow – Water park! Can’t wait!(i know it has already happened!)

Hive On Tour: Il Y a Problem Con Yogur?

Right - I am aware that I am almost 4 weeks behind (or actually 4 weeks) with my blog. I am sorry. However, I if I don´t blog about this now, then I probably won´t remember.

I´m touring Spain for the next two weeks, and so I have decided to try and make daily updates (Did not work! I am back in Edinburgh!! But nonetheless I am determined to finish it soon) to try and capture all the mayhem. Hive boys on tour(Sung to the tune of girls on film) - I will try and catch up with the rest once I get back, cos there is some good shit that happened!


Day 1 - Friday - Woke up absolutely smashed, my phone was out of battery and my buzzer was ringing. The night before was my birthday, and the night before was the flat party. I was fucked. After a few minutes of the bell ringing, I immediately thought ´oh fuck, I´ve slept in and missed my flight!´It was just lucy ringing to give me my birthday present. A pair of flip flops and a Super Turbo Ring. Pretty cool. Except the flip flops dont fit... It was like 1030, I had no idea what was going on. I still had to do loads of shit for Spain but I couldnt think what. It was quite funny. Spoke to dad and he said he was coming at 1230. By the time I got in the shower it was already 1130. I decided to shower with the door open, because I really wanted to listen to linkin park. I spent ages on the phone trying to top up my travel card, but it didnt work. Dad picked me up then. I just picked up loadsof shit and took it downstairs. Drove to Craigs and picked him up. All good. The tom tom was giving directions my dad didnt want to follow... We made it to aidans and picked up him and dom. Aidan had the flight details, so I confirmed with him ´Glasgow Airport yeah?´He replied ´Yeah´- Nothing comical about it... Drive through to the Airport was sound, talking about the night before etc. Just as were pulling up at Glasgow Airport i said ´We were at Prestwick last year werent we? I dont think I´ve been here before´. Aidan goes ´No, We were at Glasgow last year...But Prestwick this year.´Umm no..Were at glasgow this year and were at prestwick last year. Aidan says ´we are at prestwick this year, Im not joking..´What the fuck.. You said glasgow. ´I thought you were joking when you asked...´Why the fuck would I joke about that, it was a serious question! Fuck, are you kidding. So we then had to drive to Prestwick airport which was 30 miles away, literally as we pulled up at Glasgow airport. Aidan probably performs surgery on 3 people a week, yet he doesent notice that we are driving to the wrong airport. Doctors. Well the car was pretty quiet for the next wee while. I changed the tom tom to spanish which annoyed my dad a bit, but on the whole he took it pretty well. That was our all day breakfast out the window.....


Made it to the airport and theres A policeman with a fucking machine gun is standing there...Dont shoot! Went in and got in the queue. I went for the toilet and almost bought a really cool Lisbon lions T shirt. We started singing ´Take it easy´ For some reason. We realised that not everyone’s bags were within the limit. Namely Dom´s who had packed 6 kilos of underwear. we distributed it evenly between us and went on through.Got through customs and The man gave me the No feeling. He gave Aidan the Yes feeling so it was alright. He also seemed slightly confused as to why we each had 4 pairs of boxers in our carry on luggage. I felt fairly hungover at this stage. We got some food - A shite toastie, a bottle of coke and a yoghurt. We got called to the plane before it finished. I didnt have time to eat all my food. So i decided to take it on board and eat it on the plane. I asked the woman if it was OK for me to take it on the plane. We then decided it would be funny if I carried this yoghurt all the time on our holiday. In all our photos there would be just pictures of me with a yoghurt. Also, I was to ask anyone I could if it was ok for me to take the yoghurt with me - Taxi drivers, bar staff, hostel keeps, anyone. The woman just before we got on the plane wasnt sure I should take it on. I persuaded her with a convincing ´Go on!´. Got settled on the plane, the pilot was pished. There was some fat bitch next to me who ended up being sick the whole time. Still had my yoghurt. The plane took off to a resounding cheer. My throat was so dry for the whole flight, I was gasping on a drink the whole time. The trolley woman started at the front of the plane and worked her way down to the back(where we were). This took 2 hours because some fucking stag cunts kept stopping her to get vodka. I was raging, and in dire need of a drink. I finally got it, and it was something ridiculous like £3 for a miniature can of coke(like the ones you used to get in Woolworths). Downed it in 1 and continued being thirsty. Aidan taught me the phrase 'Il Y a problem con yogur?' 'is there a problem with the yoghurt?' Awesome. Pretty smooth flight overall, but the co-pilot pushed the pilot just as he was touching down, nose dive straight into the ground. It's all good, we shook it off. Got off the plane. I considered asking the customs officer about my yoghurt, but i thought he might shoot me. I asked the taxi driver and he gave me a look that said 'fuck off you dick'. Got to our hostel, Maximo Park showed us our room and told us what there was to do. Not a bad place. Got settled in and showered. My aftersun bottle had exploded over my bag. Gay. I decided I couldnt be arsed with this yoghurt business anymore so i binned it.

So we were all starving to get some food and a few drinks, We headed out and about in malaga in search. Found a wee place where we sat down in the square and ordered quatro cervesa and quatro hamburguesas. We were pretty hungry, so the guys got hot dogs and I got a spanish omelette(potato, served in toasted bread..pretty cool) We discovered a slightly strange spanish custom(I am going to say this now, and i mean no offense to anyone, but its true - The spanish are weird, and as time went on, they kept getting weirder), If 4 people order, they will typically serve 3 meals, then the 4th one 5 minutes later...we just couldnt figure it out. It always seemed to be dom that got the short straw aswell. Having been my birthday the night before, I was struggling to drink and eat. The beer was alright like. After waiting for ages, we asked for la quenta. The bill. It is nearly impossible in spain to take away food. If you want a coke or a sandwich you have to sit in and ask for la quenta. Becomes a pain in the ass. We met this seemingly spanish guy, who asked if we were english.. we replied 'no scottish!'(dunno, we decided to big up the patriotic thing!) He then shouted in an english accent ' Ah Scottish'. Strange. We went into his bar and got 4 litres of Mojito. For some reason. They were fucking massive. Our man invited us for a shot, saying 'welcome to malaga'. Awesome. I like this place already. The women were fucking unbelievable. In scotland(no offense to scottish girls btw) we rate girls 1-10, 10 being the highest. In spain, they are rated 9.1-10. With an average spanish girl being a 9.5 or 9.6. Honestly, it’s amazing. I decided there were 2 spanish phrases I needed to learn(neither of which I have learnt) - Number 1 - I got bitten by a shark but I survived with only a light graze because I'm so awesome. Number 2 - You are gorgeous, will you marry me?. Another strange thing about the Spaniards.. they all go fucking insane to 'I will survive'(i.e. as long as i have weetabix), in a manner similar to 500 miles for us scots. It was bloody insane, we were just standing there being like what the fuck is going on?

We went for a walk to find some cool club to find some hot bitches, we struggled...but we did come across a few people walking about with plastic cups. eventually we found the epicentre. A big street had been closed off by the gay police and hundreds of people were drinking on it. Awesome...but its 2am and we have no vodka(another thing, time goes crazily fast). We wandered about aimlessly for a while until we found a chinese run newsagent who gave us vodka. Good effort. Street we! Drank on this party for a while... but we had noone to talk to, and we couldnt speak to the hot spanish because we didnt speak spanish...except aidan, but he was too shy(really?) We also realised that a lot of the people here couldnt be much older than 16, and there was definately some who were a lot younger. Different cultures I guess... A jailbait culture. good effort. We drank some vodka...mine was ridiculously strong.. Eventually decided to call it a night and head back.

A successful night, however slightly disappointing that we didnt speak to anyone other than Maximo park and the waiter, and that cool guy from the bar. I love college.

He's Holding Back He's Hiding

Again, due to the busyness/laziness of me, this blog is outdated by a good couple of weeks. All I can do is apologize, but at least I am writing it, and I am trying to catch up! Gig on the Monday night – which turned out to be pretty mad, and pretty much just working the rest of the time!
Monday – Worked the phone job during the day.. Woke up at my parents and got a lift up the road. I believe I bought some essential items from morrisons. Phone job was alright – I can’t remember if there was issues with my internet connection(actually I think this may have been one of the rare occasions when there wasn’t) Just as I was finishing at 6(like5.59), some crazy woman phoned me and ranted absolute shit for 15 minutes. Her husband was abusing her because some guy from ‘my’ company had come round earlier in the day to do something, but she hadn’t paid attention to what he was doing, so she couldn’t tell her husband what the guy had been doing, so he was calling her an idiot. How this is my problem I have no idea. Strange woman. Finished up and made myself some tea. I cant remember what I had(this is like 2 weeks ago!). I was bored with the music on my ipod so I plugged it into Craigs laptop to get some of his tunes on it. It gave me 2 of marcs songs(which I’m sure are great! But not quite what I had in mind). Something funny went on with Craigs laptop too. Oh well.. Spotify, Can you feel the love tonight! I got to the gig about 3 hours after I was supposed to...oops. The guys soundchecked without me apparently. It made them appreciate how lost they would be without me. Andy produced a setlist which our management had emailed to us, insisting that we play those songs. Luckily it was almost identical to our usual setlist. If anyone has ever been in sneaky petes, Its fucking tiny!(pretty cool too!) The headline band, Amazing Baby had no joke these massive orange stack amps, filled half the place. Pretty funny though. Pretty cool too, I got a beasting bass tone. I did feel sorry for all the punters who didn’t have earplugs. The bar had a Jager machine. Which is essentially an optic the size of a fridge. Slightly pointless, but really cool. The barman was just covering for his mate, so I took it upon myself to ask him as many awkward questions about the venue as possible. We had a marvellous chat about the future of the band... although it’s typically all talk and we probably wont follow through with it that much. We shall try. Craig and Marc came down. We used craig’s I pod touch phone along with my skills as a hacker(I am W32) to break into sneaky petes wireless, and find out the answer to the question ‘which male sang ‘a whole new world’ and beauty and the beast’(£1 for whoever can give me the answer, and craig..you are not qualified to enter). The band on before us were kindof cool. A number followed by a word, so it was something like ‘6 degrees’ or ’25 chairs’. We went on after that. Managed to sort out our rider with the promoter... giving me 2 free bottles of Tyskie. Mick decided(i didn’t realise he had been drinking all day, and I did encourage him in this) to go for 2 jagerbombs. We played the set(we had not practised for fucking ages!), it pretty well. Mostly. The first time I noticed something wasn’t quite right was during the outro to 3 versions of time – We have pushes while Mick plays some fancy thing on the keyboard. Micks part just sounded like a mash of notes, and I was a bit like wtf. Then in our last song In, theres a big fancy piano intro. Mick spent 5mins trying to remember how to play the intro. Normally I would be pissed off, but it was so funny. He didn’t know what key to play in, or where to play the notes. In the end we decided to just skip the intro and go right into the song. That went fine, although his piano solo at the end was kindof ‘interesting’. Went up and got my second Tyskie after the set. Amazing baby were on next, they had supported MGMT on their tour or something, it was pretty busy. I half listened to the band from the back of the room. They seemed ok. After their set I was chatting to one of the guys – For 1, he had a metallica T shirt on, good effort! He was like ‘oh god, I can’t believe I threw up’ I was like, oh right earlier or that? ‘no, onstage during our set’. It turns out that 2 of them threw up on stage because they were so fucked. That is so awesome. By this stage I was getting quite up for partying. I had convinced Craig aswell, although Marc went home. Met some of Micks mates, Kat and VAG. What an awesome name, Vagina. We got some Jagerbombs. Cheap cheap cheap. Nice barman. We then went to the hive. We basically had all our equipment with us, but the cloakroom at the hive was shut. Luckily JT appreciated our issue and put them all away for us. We then went hammering onto Jagerbombs. Proper style. We invited the bar girl to our party cos she looks like someone we know. Also, she was hot. We asked the dj to put on various songs, including Can you feel the love tonight, Britney Spears, and Black Cherry(whatever that song is.. ). The DJ said ‘NO rock’ and then went on to play Black cherry(which is quite clearly a rock song). Yet he would not play any of the others we requested. We danced around a broken glass for a bit, then went to drink some more. I kindof lost track of what happened the rest of the night, I cant really think what happened... all I know is that I spent under £10.. and craig spent over £40... I probably owe him a drink or 2! Anyway, various things happened and We ended up in Craigs room with 2 lesbians(or bisexuals as it were, although they claimed they loved each other..) Unfortunately, Nick had his exam the next day, and this was the one night that we weren’t definitely not to bring people back. But lesbians!! Oh well, He passed!
Tuesday – Worked the phone job 12-6, as I said I think this was a rare occasion where my net was working. I spent most of the day listening to different versions of Can you feel the love tonight, and at the same part of each version(Why won’t he be the king I know he is) I would stand up and put my arms in the air. Totally fucked likes! I don’t think I did much that night(this is the trouble, this actually happened almost a month ago!)

Wednesday – Phone job during the day... I have a feeling my net connection started to fuck up... pretty substantially. Back at the old EICC for a night shift. I cant remember what happened really, It was pretty a pretty dull event though. Barely got away on time at 2 oclock. But I did, so it was ok.

Thursday – I’m just going to try and avoid writing stuff that I cant remember, apologies.. But I really want to be caught up before I go away on holiday(that means 4 blogs in 2 days. (p.s. its not going to happen!) I taught in the afternoon, don’t know what else.

Friday – Worked as a host in the morning, It was pretty good seeing everyone again(everyone was talking about my hair, which I got cut fucking ages ago!) I worked at Biddys that night. Some bird gave me £10 tips! What a legend. I love people who tip. Kara Hazel and Lucy came into visit me. They got fucked up. They were like ‘can we get a shot please’. I gave them half tequila half sambuca, loaded with bitters(which is apparently poisonous). They danced with some Irish guys, who then started shouting at me for drinks. ‘Chris’ ‘Chris’. They were all pretty fucked, but Hazel was absolutely wrecked. She came up again and could barely stand haha. I gave her some water. I looked over, and they were in the corner, with Hazel looking like she was gonna throw up on the floor. I shouted at Kara to get her out of there. So she did. Ralph was saying that whenever my mates come in they just get totally fucked out their tits. To be fair, that is what we do. Maybe a little too often. Some guy totally trumped Hazels close call with the puke, by pissing against a pillar inside Biddys. I kicked his cunt in. What a twat. Lucy was stotting about after, so I told her she could get a taxi with me. I went in to book the taxi, Came out and she was gone. Oh well. They ended up at opium and had some carnage. Sounds quite funny actually. Hazel was funny though.

Saturday – Worked at biddys at night. I think I watched some kind of football during the day. John had finished his exams and was happy. Speaking to Mikey and he was saying how fucked my friends were, as well as that he could tell my sister a mile away. Average shift as I remember. Went home to sleep after.

Sunday – Again, I may have watched some football. Covered a shift at the links bar. Was alright, A lot quieter than Biddy’s, good for a change. Met a couple cool people. Some drunk guy made me go through James bond films in order, and give the year and the actor who played james bond. Inevitably, I was shite. Some French cunts were in to watch the French football. I got a burger for tea...With egg, haggis and tattie scone on it! Very messy..but awesome. I thought I was on until close, but I got let away at 11. Mike had text me saying they were at cav and I should come down. I assumed it would be DMH, Jakil, and various other people who had been to the gig. It was Mike and John, plus Duncan, duncans bird, Chloe, and her mate. I fucking hate cav. I am never going again. I paid £7 to get in!(I cant believe I actually paid that!). It was shit. John spotted me a £10 for the night cos I couldn’t be arsed going to the cash machine. Checkout number 7(Jaqueline) was there with a couple friends, Ruben, and Jewel(i though her name was Jules until she added me to facebook!such a cool name). I walked back with them, cos mike was hiding in a bush with number 7. Btw, he was being a dick for some reason. Jewel’s feet were hurting, so I offered to carry her, but instead she walked along the (wet) street with no shoes on. Ruben for some reason, decided to take his shoes off too. But insisted on walking along the middle of the road. Also, Ruben thought my name was Courgette...I didnt bother correcting him. Got back to mine and chilled for a bit, talked about cereal deals in morrisons and the like. Eventually Mike and Jaqueline arrived. Mike was quite the gentleman and took the supersleeping bag for himself. I gave Jaqueline a variety of fur garments to keep her warm. I listened to can you feel the love tonight while I slept. Awesome.

Next week – Kara’s last week in town, and I think I see more of her this week than I have done in the past 6 months. I visit dynamic earth, play a gig. Rugby final at the weekend..fucking nightmare. I’m going to really try hard to get up to date! Keep the faith!

When I got home on monday night...As Drunk as Drunk Could Be....

Hmm.. All this shit happened like 2(3) weeks ago, so forgive me if it’s not 100% accurate – I’m doing my best to remember what happened, but something tells me it shall not be easy.

Monday – No idea.. I was plagued by internet problems at the phone job, a real pain in the ass.. and theres no solution.. It will just randomly start working. I think I spent a lot of time on the phone to various support teams, trying to get it fixed.. but it just was not happening! I’m not 100% sure on this, but I probably went to bed pretty early, or went up to my folks or something.

Tuesday – Similar internet problems as well. I have no idea what happened for the rest of the day.. probably bed early. Watched the football i think. Or not.

Wednesday – Internet problems blab la... Gay as fuck. Mike phoned me up and was like can i come over to watch the football.. yeah. He then phoned me and was like can I come over now. ‘I have a story to tell you’. Well tell me a bit, and i’ll get the rest when you come over. ‘well.. I got kicked out my house’ ok, see you soon. He came over and it turned out he had been kicked out of his house for battering his dad. ‘warning shots’. Fucking crazy bastard. He chummed me into town to deposit some cheques, we went to McDonalds. Played some fifa, played some Smash Bros. I do not play that game enough. It is cracking. Sonic is a machine(a speed machine) He’s awesome. We got some pizza and watched the football. Actually I got a kebab. Picked up some beers from steels house, which mike then dropped all over the pavement and got them dirty and shit. A kind gentleman helped us pick them up. Devoured the kebab. Since the beers were dirty, we drank them in pint glasses. Major fucking head haha. Awesome. Twam and Camp brought a bottle of Captain Morgan’s over.(cos its got a fucking pirate on it. Btw, i don’t like pirates that much)I was going to get some limes, but I forgot/couldn’t be arsed. I don’t like drinking Rum without limes. Drank it anyway. Listened to some Katy Perry. Our plan had been to just drink that, for a cheap night in. Mike wanted to go out. We decided to go out. Craig came too. We got a taxi to the hive. Mike wanted to leave. ‘not happenin mate’ Got a drink from Jagerbird. Left. To be fair, it was dead. Went down to faith. Bumped into my sister and this weird manwoman. Looks like a girl. Bumped into Giselle and Sean in faith, Mikey was there too..pretty fucked. Within 5 mins of being there, mike said he was going out for a minute.. we never seen him again. Faith was pretty gash. Spent more money than planned, got quite drunk. I don’t like faith that much. Some guy was chatting Roisin up, Laura used a signal to see if she was alright. She misread the signal, so I went over and got this massive bouncer and told him the guy was harassing my friend. I then realised Laura had misread the signal. Told the bouncer I would take care of it and keep him in the loop. Craig got caught by the bouncer shagging some slag in the girls toilet. He didn’t throw him out, instead he told the barstaff who then started pointing and laughing at craig, who was then like ‘can we go now...’ Got a taxi home. Played some titanic music(probably quite loud..but not too loud..) woke nick up. Mike came in at some stage... fuck knows where he’d been. Crazy bastard. Roisin gave birth to me on craigs sofa bed, not sure what happened, but fell asleep.

Thursday – Spent some time in the morning feeling hungover. Roisin was going in to Uni to discuss a particularly bad essay with her tutor... she left the essay at mine. Oops. Me and Mike decided to go to pizza hut for the weekly feast(we are failing miserably). We didn’t go, got some rolls and made some bacon rolls. Mike didn’t eat any so i eat them(it was a struggle, I was fucking hungover). Played a bit of Fifa, a bit of Smash bros. I went to do some teaching. It was really strange.. all of a sudden the lad seems to have gotten great. I was telling him stuff for weeks that he just couldn’t seem to grasp.. and all of a sudden he seems to have got it. Good lad. Got back and I was going to this Born to be wide thing with Sam and stuff. He told me to head for his for 20 past 7. He actually meant 20 past 6. Therefore I was late. Every month I get an email about Born to Be Wide, it’s a meeting place for the Edinburgh music scene, they always have good people speaking and it looks really interesting – Every time, I get the email the night before! And I always have something planned! This was the first time I could make it. It was really cool, Carrie was there – Not seen her in an age. We both wished that we had brought a pen and paper, it was all really interesting stuff... I can barely remember a word of it now. Haha. However, I did have quite a serious revelation – I want to be a musician, it’s what I want to do with my life... I want to make a living working in the music industry. At this point in my life, I am putting almost no effort into this.. I’m focusing on paying the bills, I don’t have any energy to put into being a successful musician. This is not cool, and it’s time to change. Ultimately, I would love to play bass in a massive touring band – Like Christina Aguilera or something – Some awesome pop band. Time to turn things around. Waited on Carrie to get a bus, it was pissing with rain.. I decided to walk home anyway. Got fucking drenched, got a kebab, I was fucking freezing! Got home and put on my furry hat.. It keeps you so warm. Mike and Craig were up playing Guitar hero. I went to bed... mike crashed again. Sound..Casa del Crusher. B&B.

Friday – Covered a shift on the phone job – really quiet day.. very quiet indeed... I think I actually did this until 6. Quick bite to eat/game of fifa then off to biddys. I can’t really think what happened. I got talking to these 2 hot irish girls, Ciara and Nisha.I couldn’t remember their names at first..I just knew they sounded similar. When they came up later and asked if I could remember their names I said yes! I then called them Kisha and Nisha...not amused haha! Turns out they live at Biddys tho. The dj(who i’ve never seen before) played this epic song that basically goes ‘well i got home on Monday night, as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a horse outside my house where my old horse should be. So i called my wife and i said to her ‘will you kindly tell to me, who owns that horse outside my house where my old house should be’ oh your drunk, your drunk your really drunk.’ That continues through the week until Sunday. Its a fucking epic song. Was an OK night, but I was pretty shattered by the end of it! Straight to bed.

Saturday – Struggled out of bed for the old firm. Fucking pish. Fucking huns. Went to work.. I seriously struggle to remember what happened it was just that long ago... I’m sorry.. but.. go fuck yourself! I almost sold a girl a bottle of vodka for £60..almost. Aidan was texting me telling me how pished he was and how shit rush was. I got finished up, made about £10 tips.. Went to meet him at the hive, spent my tips pretty quickly. Carrie and Claire welsh were there. We did a jager bomb round.. but Claire told us she was allergic to red bull just before she downed it. She survived. Thankfully. They were all smashed. Aidan and Carrie mainly. Me and Claire started a pool. Swimming. I had a conversation with aidans mate about how I hate it when people come up to you and you don’t know their names. We also talked about football and stuff. Lucy and Krista appeared at some stage. We drank until 2.55(bearing in mind i never got there till about 2!) then me and Claire went for a dance to 500 miles. End of the night. Decided we should make a trip back to the flat. Claire asked the barman(not usual..but looked slightly similar. Jagerbird did not serve us – shock!-) if we could buy a bottle of lemonade off him.... Eh no. I managed to get everyone outside the hive(well me, and aidan to a slight degree) singing the 7 drunken days song! Awesome. Me and Aij started walking and talking about how Celtic should re-sign Henrik. The girls were dying on the toilet, we sent them up an alley... While they did that, I noticed that ppl were still in biddys(must have been 330 or4!) So I went to investigate. Basically everyone was there, just having finished their post work drink...I probably just talked a bit of shite, then left. We then tried to find a taxi(if I had been thinking straight we could have phoned my staff taxi). Took us absolutely ages, and it was not happening. Carrie phoned a company and started crying saying ‘I’m on my own, I don’t know how to get home.. I’m scared’... They then said they would send one right away(point of interest, if you ever want a taxi, just say that you are a scared girl and think you might get raped). No more than 3 minutes later, she phoned the taxi company back being like ‘eh hello, i ordered a fucking taxi and it’s not fucking here yet, what the fuck are you playing at?’ the girl on the phone replied ‘ you only ordered it 3 minutes ago, you need to give it time to arrive’ at which Carrie hung up. Pretty funny. Some old boy sitting there ended up giving us a lift home(he was a taxi driver). Oh yeah...all this time we were singing Papapapapapoker face, and poking each other in the face. Got back to the flat, listened to 7 drunken nights(i had to prove to them that it was a real song) and we then listened to lady gaga’s album. Which, is fucking pretty good btw. We went to the kitchen and drank some of craigs vodka(tried to write a thankyou note, but in the end it did not work). Carrie knocked so much shit about the kitchen/living room, I’m not quite sure how she managed it. Quite funny actually. So funny. Nick got up (and apparently had time to put jeans on, although I believe they were frog trousers). He was not chuffed. Neither was i, so I ignored him. Claire was cold so I offered her my duvet.. I then realised that I would be freezing, so i slept on the green couch with her...unfortunately, that couch(as anyone who has slept on it knows...) does not fit an average sized human being, let alone 1 and a girl. So i did not have much sleep at all. I cant even remember what the chat was.

Sunday – The girls got a taxi pretty early(like really early) I cannot fathom how early this was. Literally like 5 mins after they left, my nose started bleeding. Fuck. Eventually stopped it. It started bleeding again at 11.50. It was my dads birthday and I was meant to be meeting the family for brunch at 12. Fucksake. Why do my nosebleeds also happen at moments of such inconvenience!(or maybe ANY time for a nosebleed is inconvenient. This time it didn’t stop for like over an hour. It was fucking crazy. I hate nosebleeds. I phoned up biddys to say that I might not make it in that night. Just to give them the heads up. I slept for a bit, then decided my nose would probably hold up.(maybe just) Just as I was gonna phone andy, he called me to say it was fine, they had covered the shift. Cool. So i went up to my folks, gave my dad his crap birthday present(which, it turns out is actually pretty cool..and anyway...I got him something else in the future!)We had pizza... to compensate for me missing brunch...still gutted I missed that! Nice bath and early to bed. If i had worked at Biddys, my nose probably would have bled.

Next Week – Bear in mind... at the time of writing ‘next week’, is actually at the very least 2 weeks ago. Gig at Sneaky petes with the marvels, Going back into the EICC(did i do that last week?) and covering a shift in the links on Sunday! Sounds boring... but it was actually quite a fun week. I’m hoping to get the blog out on WWW(world wide web..or World War Water)in the next couple of days! Apologies again for the delay!

HEY! Your Messing With My Delirium!

I put my budget into full force this week – And it worked pretty well, I only bought 1 pint, and no kebabs. The only money I spent was on food.

Monday – Struggled to get out of bed after work the night before, Supposed to be doing the reception job 12-6, but my internet wasn’t working so I spent the first 2/3 hours trying to fix my internet. Funny thing being that the phone was working, but the internet wasn’t – they both use the same connection to work. It didn’t make any sense, but it was a real pain in the ass. The thing about it is, if I can’t get on the internet then I can’t work, and because I get paid by the amount of work I do, I make less money.. Even though I’m still putting time and effort into getting my connection working. As well as this, It’s a pain for my employers because if I can’t get on the Internet then I can’t work, and that put’s a strain on them which they don’t want, that’s why the employed me. Ha, that last few sentences was just a jumble of rambling. At some point the internet started working again(completely randomly-theres no actual solution) and I worked for a while. Finished at 6, made myself some tea – Pasta I believe(how exciting). Gig with Arcane Corps – I ran down to henrys after my pasta, listening to some tunes on my ipod(which I really need to update – I’ve not put any new music on it since like November or something stupid like that. As awesome as my music taste was back then, I’m getting bored. I needed a poo poo on my way, I got there and we were soundchecking right at that moment. Mysteriously, I didn’t need a poo poo anymore. Maybe some scientist people can do some experiments to discover the difference between what we actually “need” and what we want. Infact, I was meaning to speak to John about this for some reason.. I cant remember why. I’m starting to believe that some people are actually Superman, and when I say ‘someone’ I actually mean everyone in the world. If we “need” to do something, be it suppressing a poo for that vital soundcheck; outrunning someone who’s trying to kick your cunt in; or lifting a fat bastard out of a burning building... then we can actually do it. I realise that I kind shifted my angle a bit there, and I’m not really sure why I went into that..but there you go.
After soundcheck we went to Footlights to get some food for the guys(I had already eaten and I am on a budget so I got some crisps), they got burgers and steak pie and shit. The food looked alright. The place was absolutely dead, Like we were the only folk in there. The bar girl was pretty hot and had a bit of banter(i.e. ‘we’ve only got salt and vinegar crisps’). Back to Henrys where the first band was just starting. Oh my god. I cannot remember when I have been less impressed by a band. It literally slowed my heartrate down. I don’t even know how to describe it. Very very slow metal(i think its called doom) They don’t change chords, the singer does nothing but growl very slowly in a very deep voice(almost like the wind, but very boring and absolutely shit). They played 3 songs in a 45 minute set. Each of them sounded exactly the same. I’m a fan of metal, but I just can’t see how people can like that. We were on next – I must admit, I have been really bad – I’ve been working so much and I’ve not really made the effort to get down to the studio to contribute to the recordings. We had a practise earlier in the day – but I was working so I didn’t make it down. As such, my performance was fairly sloppy(sorry dave!) It didn’t help that they had changed parts of the songs without telling me!(my fault really I guess). The biggest shock of the set was when Chris announced “Down On My Knees!”. We haven’t played that since November..literally. I spent the first few bars thinking frantically ‘how does this go???’ I got it tho!(except for the parts they had changed) After the gig me and andy went up to meet mick at chanter where he was doing the pub quiz on his own. We were going on the radio in the morning and so wanted to have a little team talk to see what we would talk about. I bought my 1 pint of the week. It went down fucking well, I was so tempted for another, but i resisted. By the way, does anyone wanna assemble a team for the chanter pub quiz? The few questions I stayed in for were a piece of piss. I went back to watch the last band(because they were from Greece and had no friends). It was absolutely pissing it down by this stage. I caught the end of the band after ours set. Just as fucking awful to me. Two twin brothers, dressed up like the devil playing speed metal..nothing but drums and guitars. Sounds pretty cool? Not for 45 minutes. Am I too harsh on bands? Call me old fashioned, but I like my bands to play songs with singing...not just a guitar riff/solo for 45 minutes. Stupid. I’m even gonna spell that stoopid. I watched a bit of the greek band, who were pretty cool. Their bass player looked like he was doing a lot of mental stuff(tapping etc) but you couldn’t really hear it.. Again.....I am very harsh on bands.. these guys were fucking awesome at what they were doing...It was really cool! But I was like whatever..boring. Nothing interesting there. I’m such a dick. I left halfway through there set(oh btw, their bassist was a fucking geek. A greek geek haha). Walked home in the pouring rain, got home, had some supernoodles and went to bed.

Tuesday – Woke up early to go and be on the radio, Although while I lay in bed, I realised that I didn’t have enough time to go to Leith, be on the radio, come back and start work all before 12 o clock. I stupidly decided not to go. Anyway, I think 3 people doing the same radio interview is a bit much. It just gets a bit crowded. Still.. It would have been cool to be on the radio. Turns out I would have had enough time anyway. I listened in to the guys – it was pretty cool – although for whatever reason they just lied loads! “we’ve got our CD in ripping records””we did a massive charity gig last month” “we are actually Coldplay, we just put on wigs”. Went to start work and guess what.... the internet wasn’t working again! This time the net was working fine.. the phone would not work! I spent a good hour on a help line, and as nice as the woman was.. she did not help me! Eventually.. After 2 and a half hours.. It started working(again..no explanation whatsoever). So again, this is cutting quite severely into my earnings you know! A load of gash. I ran out of energy after this. I was gonna go to Lina’s to watch the football.. I was also gonna go and meet up with Twamcamallidomcot and go to the hive. In the end I was so tired I decided to watch the football in the flat. This means carrying through my tv from the bedroom to the living room. I spent the first half of the game summoning up the energy(while lying in my bed) to do this. Watched the last 30 mins.. a bit dull. I then watched a seriously shit/brilliant film on some strange channel(no not porn). A teenager(who looks like Tom Cruise gets transferred to a school at some creek. But all the kids there have been brainwashed and are like ‘hello steven’ and then they kick his cunt in. Theres only 3 people who haven’t been brainwashed – Tom Cruise, hot goth girl(turns out it was Katie holmes..maybe) and token stoner. Also theres the ‘janitor’ who all the kids call him a retard and spit on him, but in the end he manages to get all the kids to jump on his car while he drives them into a waterfall(while shouting “HEY TEACHER, LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE!”..Great and slightly random reference to Pink Floyd).Thats the end of the film. I went to bed not too long after that.

Wednesday – Got up(struggled slightly). Craig had been out the night before, and I heard a girls voice from his room. Hello. Turns out it was just Roisin. phone job 12-3 – The first time this week my internet was working without a hitch! Fucking amazing. Finished the shift, I then spent a fair amount of time playing a league in FIFA. Italian League, I was Juventus – I swear to god I lost every game 1-0. Fucking shit, yet so addictive. Eventually(a lot later than I had been planning) I went up to my folks. I was kindof banking on being offered a Chinese, so when I got there and my mum was like ‘you can have pizza or pasta or a chicken burger’ I kindof ignored the question for a while. I was just getting ready to concede and have some pasta when my dad came in and was like ‘I can get a Chinese if you want?’ Score. Felicity phoned it, she phoned some crap place and it was a very average Chinese! Still a Chinese nonetheless. I watched some Simpsons then had a bath. I was going to watch the football but at 7.30 I realised my parents don’t have sky sports, so I watched some crap programme about kids going to Jamiaca to have their cunt kicked in by a strict mum. After coming down from my bath I was gonna watch some TV, but felicity was watching Desperate Housewifes(even though she has a TV in her room) so I had some food and went to bed. Asleep by 1030, barry as fuck.

Thursday – Woke up having had an epic sleep. My dad did me a fry up which was pretty good. I then walked up to tesco’s, did a bit of a shop. I bought nothing but rubbish really. Doesn’t matter. Went and did some teaching. Came back and played a bit too much fifa. Went to bed, read like a page of my book then fell asleep.

Friday – Covered a shift at the office job during the day. Well, until 3. Around this time I discovered I couldn’t find my phone charger. Where is it? I phoned my dad to see if I had left it there. “No definitely not, without a doubt it’s not here”..ok.. where the fuck is it then!! I went to Biddys for 7. John gave me my watch back! Wahey. Got my break about 845. Just as I was about to sit down and start eating, Andy tells me I’m going to the links and my taxis outside. Cool.. but I’m eating my food first! Had my Bacon and Cheese burger. It was pretty good. Damn good. Went out and the taxi driver moaned about everything the whole way. Basically it was my fault. Everything was my fault. He moaned about the fact he had been waiting there for 20 mins. Not my fault. He moaned that people didn’t realise cars could drive down the cobbles in the grass market. Not My fault. He moaned that I didn’t have a slip. Not my fault. He was just a moany fucking bastard. Went into the Links expecting it to be heaving. Fairly quiet actually. I think they were just short staffed. The links has some crazy assed taps for Caledonian – It was like having a shower. There was karaoke going on. If Aidan fails to be a doctor, he can always run karaoke nights. Sounds like fun. These two guys did ‘Don’t let the sun go down on me’(Elton John, George Michael).. A fucking good version of it! Harmonies and everything.. They had obviously practised. Back to Biddys about 1130. Around this time my phone died.. Just after getting a text from Roisin saying they were in opium. Mike came in to visit me in Biddys, He ordered a pint of Guiness.. in all the years I’ve known him, I have never known him to drink Guiness. He was pretty fucked to be fair. Some bird gave me £5 for being cute. Good girl. It’s kindof hit or miss with the tips really.. either make about £10 or 30p. Good night though. It was broken up quite nicely considering I was moving about every 2 hours. Although because of this, I did hear alot of songs twice. I decided to spend my tips at Opium. Hayden and Kenny were there, Hayden showed me that he had a girls stockings on his arm. Mike and Steel and Lad were there too. According to Steel it was ‘Hoaching with fanny’ upstairs.. It was alright.. although I wouldn’t say hoaching. Dave T was there, and he spent about 30 minutes trying to get served. Funny. Rachael now works on the bar! Roisin, Laura, Kim, Max, Liam, Henderson were there too. So was Leanne Rimes and her friend who likes Frightened Rabbit. So, considering it’s opium.. There was a fair crew there. Quite impressed by it actually. Hazel showed up at some stage too! I spent all my tips on vodka, we then went for a bit of a dance. Danced to a bruce springsteen song. Or maybe it was a guy who is very similar to him... I can’t remember what the song was. It’s a tune tho. Kindof like dancing on the ceiling(except not by lionel Ritchie). It looks like the barman I don’t like very much has been turned into a superstar dj. Congratulations. Sincerely. We decided there was a party happening at Polwarth. Whether it be my place or steels, so we headed that way. I gave Leanne a very fast lift through the grassmarket. Full speed ahead. We lost Dave T, and the girls on the way across. Mike went home cos he was totally fucked. Leanne and her friend decided to go home. Steel was cheesing cos he ‘beat’ mike, held that girls hand and kissed her on the cheek. Me and steel lost everyone and started walking back to his. We met two people who were mates of his, and we walked back to steels. We did take a fair amount of time, and my phone was dead. We got back to steels, went into the kitchen – sitting in a nice line was Dave, Roisin, Laura and Kim and Liam. How the fuck did you get here! Turns out ben had let them in. Mike gave them directions(they thought he was there already) They rang the buzzer, thinking it was mike. They asked ‘can we come in?’ Ben was like yeah sound, no problem. Me and steel pissed ourselves at that. One of his mates shared round some beer. And everyone smoked some weed. I didn’t. We danced about till 7am, then went back to mine. My bed was full. Liam went off to get some crazy train to Aberdeen.

Saturday - Seriously didn’t get that much sleep. We went to the meadows at like 11! Got a Wrap from the Wrap shop. It was damn good. I walked back to the flat for about 1230 to watch the football. Celtic fairly hammered Aberdeen. Totally addicted to FIFA, I played a couple of games then went to work for 5. The Rugby was on. Leinster vs Munster. I couldn’t give a shit. There was a lot of people who could however, and thus the place was fucking heaving. One of the teams fucking humped the other one. After that alot of people left. The DJ started right after the game(probably about 7 oclock as apposed to the usual 10 o clock. Because of this, throughout the night Poker Face and La Roux were probably played about 6 or 7 times haha. To be honest, if I was a DJ i would probably to this too. Except there would be a lot of Sinead o Connor mixed in there aswell. I discovered that Delirium is a tune. HEY! You’re messing with My Delirium! It was an alright night. I had a breakfast for my tea. STRANGE. The place was pretty dead(not actually dead..but considering it was a Saturday night...)I went to the toilet(disabled one was engaged so i went to the boys). It looked as if 2 guys in there were maybe fighting. I kept my eye on it. Thing is, I think one of them was just being a dick. He was dressed in a suit, and after the other boy left he just stood looking into the mirror, flicking bits of water into his hair and muttering ‘you look amazing’. I watched him with disgust, then walked out. I told john about it. He made me laugh, but I can’t utter why because John will probably lose his job. It was so fucking funny though. Good lad. The night finished, and we got away pretty quick. I went straight to my bed.(I may have played fifa first)

Sunday – I slept during the day – Fucking great!! Got up, went to farmfoods with craig(bought a lot of crap) I then watched the second half of the huns. Fucking huns. I think I started work at 6 or something. It was pretty quiet. Or should I say totally dead. No worry. Me and Ralph cleaned up the keg room. After I had done the outside furniture, I came back in and it became fucking heaving. Like properly heaving. At least as busy as Saturday – except we had half the staff on. I basically spent the whole shift washing glasses. It was fucking great. I decided to start wearing earplugs when working on the back bar – because it’s so fucking loud! Worked a treat, and I could still hear what people wanted to drink! I was fucking knackered/and a bit wet. Straight to bed!!!!

I love college..But I love Drinking..

A good start to the week – Just got pretty messed up, Thursday I started my budget period – which will last until the 5th of June. Hopefully by then I will have saved up enough cash to fund my trip to spain.

Monday – Got up about 1130. Had some breakfast(no milk so not a very good breakfast..more like a banana or spaghetti or something). Phone job 12-6. All good, starting to get the hang of it I reckon..I just hope it gives me some money for doing it. Finished at 6, quick shower and off to the Biddy’s staff night out. On leaving the flat, I realised that I couldn’t walk because I was so stiff from Paintballing the day before! I bought a packet of Mcoy’s and a Milky bar kid bar for my tea. Probably not the best idea. San Miguel and Vodka mixer’s were free while we were at Biddy’s. Got there pretty much bang on 7, I figured just drink San Miguel(albeit quickly) while we were there. By 7.40.. everyone was drinking double vodka kick’s(cheap red bull). Ah fuck it! I think that may be the earliest I have ever drunk vodka in that quantity. Must have had about 3 doubles by the time we left. We were doing some sort of treasure hunt or something.. for starters we had to make a poster with our team name on it. I cant remember what it was, but our poster was fucking ace! It had boobs! We had Me, Sean(girl), Shaun(Boy), Kate and Jenni on our team. Next step was to swap clothes with a member of the opposite sex in our team. Thus I spent most of the night wearing a girls blouse. Our team was shit. We took ages to go anywhere or decide on anything! Still we had fun. Singing ‘I’m a little Tea Pot short and stout, Here is my handle here is my spout’ How does the rest of the song go? I was convinced it was “Incey Wincey spider dad a dad a dada.” Apparently not though. I’ve still to really see photos from the night.. but a LOT were taken. We went into Oz bar and had to get a kiss off a girl.. unfortunately the girl I picked had already been asked by the 8 other teams! All the teams ended up in three sisters and this is where things get pretty hazy! Swapped back clothes with Kate and then just drank loadsof vodka. Me and Kim(apparently) thought that they would give us the doubles in wee tiny glasses(like in the hive), so we bought 2 at a time and they came in big massive things. This is what I’m told.. I’m not too sure what was going on. There was some kind of awards ceremony in the courtyard, then I vaguely remember getting in a taxi, but that’s about it.

Tuesday – Woke up properly fucked, covered in so many bruises that I could barely walk. Like I had a limp for 3 days. I had a massive bruise on my hip, bruise’s on both my elbows and bruises on the palms of my hands. What the hell happened. I got a text from Sean later being like ‘You got carried out of Lulu, you are my hero’. I was in Lulu?? Apparently we all went to Lulu, and one after the other we all got chucked out. I don’t remember any of this, but it’s all good. I just wish I knew where these bruises came from! Went over to Santans and bought a Haggis Pizza, Chocolate Buttons yoghurt and a bottle of orange juice(even though i had orange juice in the flat already). Cooked my pizza and started working at the phones. Quite hungover.. I went down to Pizza Corner, John met me there. I got a doner, he got a chicken. Pretty tasty stuff. Went up to the flat and played a bit of guitar hero. We were planning to be at sam’s by about 730. We left the flat at maybe 830/840. John somehow convinced me to go to Chloes. John managed to doorknob me a fucker. The bad thing is that he went easy on me.. in my crippled state I was in no condition to push past him to a doorknow(which btw, chloe has none of). Stayed there for half an hour then made a move to Sam’s. Stopped off at Scotmid for a couple tins of Tyskie and a bottle of wine. Got to Sam’s door and there was some girl there. We were like ‘you going to Sam’s?’ she said yeah. John introduced himself and she was like ‘I’m amy’. But she completely ignored me, so I went ‘Yeah, and I’m Crusher’. She was like “yeah.. I know you”. Where from? When from? “Well, for one thing.. You got chucked out of Luluz last night! And the other, I went out with John McGee 4 years ago.” Turns out she had been working on the cash desk in Lulu. Apparently I hadn’t been carried out. She saw me just kindof standing there in a daze, not really moving, and then the bouncer just kindof guided me out. It still doesn’t explain the bruising! So we went up and got to Sam’s door. She was like ‘this isn’t where Sam lives’..yes it is.. ‘no..’ yes.. wait, is Sam a boy or a girl ‘a girl!’ oh.. different Sam!. So she went upstairs, and we went in to the real Sam’s flat. We were greeted by Jo singing me my drunken song “I went to the doctors guess what he told me? He said ‘girl you gotta try and have fun no matter what you do’.. He’s a fool!” Went into Stalk’s room and the whole of the 1f1 boys were KO’d on his bed, Liam was getting in his dressing gown just about to go to sleep. Went through to the kitchen and there was this fucking weird boy sitting on a stool playing guitar, singing in falsetto... damn did he love college. Noone knew who he was or spoke to him. Oh, did I mention it was Sam’s birthday – everyone had been in the meadows drinking/smoking since 1030am.. hence was absolutely cunted. Amy and the girl Sam came down after a couple of minutes.. turns out they were Sam’s hot neighbours. Steel was absolutely baked, so I talked with him about bass for like 40 minutes. What do I think of him as a player, what does he think of me, what do we think of other people, what other people do we hate, isn’t bass the best instrument, having so many jobs stops me from progressing with me instrument. Etcetc. We’ve had this conversation a million times. I love drinking..and i love girls.. but damn do we love college. John had worked his way through the second bottle of wine, and thus started putting people in headlocks. I had only brought 2 cans with me, and so I ran out pretty quick. John took an absolute stinker of a shite which meant no one could go in to the toilet. I waited a few minutes then went in brandishing an incense candle which cancelled out the poo. Everyone in the flat sang Sinead ‘O’ connor for a while, before moving onto the fact that we all love college, drinking and girls. Daisy arrived at some stage. We planned to go to the hive, and we did. Everyone was wanting to walk.. It would have literally taken me an hour to walk to the hive, so i jumped in a taxi with the girls. Caitlin forgot everything, so girl Sam lent her money. Got into the hive, some guy started chanting at me in the toilet.. weird. Went round and had a jagerbomb with the girls. There goes me taking it easy right out of the window. The rest of the walking crew arrived. More jager. Ramage was there, spoke with him for a bit. The legend of a barman was there, so I drinking ‘the usual’. Pretty good. Loadsof other people came, Fraser, Cav, Fergus, others.. I got drunk after a while.. I think Barry was there too! Fraser tells me he has become a semi-professional poker player since I last seen him. He apparently won £2000 in a week. Bloody dick. I found out that one of the barstaff at the hive lives next door to me! Waay. John was trying to get me to go to Mulan Rouge..na. It was carries birthday, i wanted to go to stereo with them.. but I had already spent all of my money. And stereo ain’t free. I did a jager bomb(or more than one), then things get hazy again. I remember seeing Robbie, and I’m sure I spent a lot of time dancing with him and some girls.. They were familiar but I can’t think where from(probably the hive..since I’m there all the time!).

Wednesday – I woke up.. I don’t know how I got home, but I did! I was meant to be doing the phone job, but my internet was being a dick so I couldn’t. I spent over an hour fucking about with connections etc but still no luck. Did anyone else in Polwarth experience this? Bloody bastards. Went up to my parents – It took me an hour and a half to walk because of my limp!! What the hell. I bumped into Sam and Caitlin who were eating sushi in a church(surely that’s some kind of sin! We had some chat about the night before, then I went on my way. I had some tea(Felicity made Carbonara) I slept a fair amount, and I had a bath. Which felt great considering all my bruises. Eventually I got out of bed and jumped on a bus down to Leith for a Music Foundry meeting. We discussed ways to get myself more business, and ideas for a summer school we are hoping to run. It was good to meet with the other tutor(guitar – he’s stealing all the students). We had quite a good chat, some promising ideas – It actually gave me a lot more hope for my future with this company – that they are actually trying to get me business, rather than just ignoring me! I was hungry on the way home, I considered buying a naan bread or something. In the end I settled with a nice Donner from Pizza Corner – Laura – What have you done! You’ve left me and now I cant stop eating kebabs!! Damn you. I am going to try and make a sustained effort to eat better and budget from this day forth.

Thursday – Finally, I am no longer hungover. YES! That’s how it works. I went to teach Ben – I really need to properly organise my teaching stuff, get some CD’s and backing tracks made etc. Next week! Met Hazel on the bus back, she’s like me – working loadsof days – but she’s at uni too. She refuses to have a pool party because she doesn’t have the key or something! Damn her. Dropped my stuff off, played Craig at a quick game of Fifa(quick 3 games) I beat him of course. We decided to go crap teams – I went Sampdoria and they were alright like. After that I walked up to my folks – It didn’t take and hour and a half this time, more like 40mins, which is a bit more respectable, although still not great. I had a bath and some tea etc. Chili con carne which was actually very nice, although I was still pretty starving after it! I had a bath, watched some family guy then went to bed!

Friday – Got up, quite lazy. Had a total pig out on some food. Cornflakes for breakfast. Followed quickly by loadsof chicken then a pizza(the pizza smelt like vomit unfortunately). I then walked down the road. Went to Tesco for a shop. I bought a load of crap. It’s so hard. Can a nutritionist please accompany me next time I go. Got home, watched some Smallville then went to work. Apparently I had been fucked on Monday – but you know how the rumour mill spreads, and apparently I not only got thrown out of Luluz.. but I passed out and had to be carried out by the bouncers. This did not happen. I have had the benefit of speaking with the only sober girl of the night(amy-who works at luluz), and she said I was on my feet. Apparently there was no scandal, just a lot of drunkenness. I had some scampi for my tea! The shift was shit. The dj had the music on SOO loud, I could not hear a thing and my ears got absolutely pummelled. I was also stressing out and coming close to punching people who decided that while standing next to the speaker, the best way for me to hear what they wanted was by whispering. Fucking twats. Especially this Irish stag party.. I almost never served one of them cos he was pissing me off so much. The night just dragged and dragged. Veitch came in to visit me, although I didn’t get to chat to him much because the place was so damned busy. He has had a lot more tattoos done on his arm – looked pretty cool! Joanna also came into visit me. I think that’s the first time I’ve seen her when she’s not jumped on me and then ignored me a few minutes later.. I served some dick(mini hulk Hogan) and he walked off before I gave him his change. 5 minutes later he came back and started screaming at me for his change. I was like mate. Fuck off, I’l get to you in a minute. You can’t have access to your change whenever the fuck you want, you get it when you buy the drinks or you get it later. Fucking dick. I was glad to get home. I think I probably watched an episode of Smallville when I got in too. Reaching the end of the series, serious..I don’t even know why I watch it, its not that good.

Saturday – Spent the whole day in bed, - pretty bad, considering it looked gorgeous outside! On the other hand, I did get myself completely up to date with Smallville. That had better not be the end of the series cos it was a shit ending. I actually had tickets to go and see Frightened Rabbit tonight in Sneaky Petes. I had been planning all week to pull a sicky and go to it. But this morning my conscience(and the fact that Sneaky Pete’s is right next to biddys and i would almost definitely get seen by someone) got the better of me, and I didn’t go. I’ve seen them before, and I’ll see them again. But still...... Gutting. I sold one of my tickets to Andy’s friend. Gutting. Went into work, and I was in a surprisingly good mood. I had a nice juicy burger with bacon and cheese on it for my tea, and quite a good night – The dj wasn’t playing too loud Not long after she started I was gonna ask her to play Calvin harris at some stage. She played it twice! Legend. She also played the Subways! Legend. She was getting a bit ridiculous with Poker Face though.. 4 times throughout the night!! There was a couple of random power surges throughout the night – A legendary moment was during journey. The power cut out but everyone kept singing. Fucking great. I was chatting to this girl, she used the phrase ‘my friend thinks your barry’ while her friend was standing next to her blushing. Haha, amazing. What a phrase. Also a group of (hot) Irish girls declared me as the best thing to happen in their night(because I told them they could get student discount..they were students). This really hot girl though.. I know her from somewhere, I just cant think where. Kindof strange since she lives in Ireland. Oh infact, it might just be that she looks like that bird on Something for the weekend. At the end, John had chucked some Italian builders out(who had actually been staying at the Hotel for over a year!) because he thought they stole a bottle of corona. Radek was helping me bring the furniture down from upstairs, and these (6) Italians came bursting through the door, wanting to speak to security. I was like na guys were shut, yet they came through. Fair enough.. I want to get home.. I don’t want to get my head kicked in by some Italian builders. Someone else can deal with it. Came down the lift and all I could hear was lots of shouting(bastardo, Mario etc). Shaun(who wasn’t even working) was stuck in the middle the Italians trying to calm them down. Next time I came down, they were all shouting at John and he was speaking in Italian, telling them to fuck off cos he was Scottish or something. That’s what all good pastry chefs do. Next time I came down they were all apologising to each other. Crisis averted. Had a quick pint and home.

Sunday – Got out of bed about 145, I had a quick shower. Aidan and Dom came up. Time to book Spain holiday. We managed to get a flight to Malaga for £50 no problem. Aidan was incharge of the computer. We then were looking for a homeward bound flight. Aidan spent ages and had no luck. He then went to the toilet. Within 30 seconds of him going, I had found us a flight from Alicante for free! Once tax and stuff got included it was £40.. but still! We’re going to spain! Me, Craig, Aid and Dom. Gonna be fucking brilliant. We also used this opportunity to plan out the whole of June. 5th,6th,7th – Take the campervan away somewhere with Kara’s campervan(but she’s turning into a frog and so isn’t coming)- Still hopefully do that. 10th June – Flat party to celebrate my birthday(Biannual Polwarth Garden’s party too). 11th June – Some sort of food with my folks, then probably go see DMH at Cab vol. Since they are my best mates and if I don’t go with them then I wont have any friends for my birthday. 12th June – We fly to Malaga. 24th June – We Fly home from Alicante. 25th June – The Marvels, DMH and Boycotts at Sneaky Petes. A bit of rest, then T in the park. An issue with all of this is money. I then went back to bed, got up and went to work. My teeth have been hurting a little bit.. not that sore, but its a bit of an annoyance! I had a steak sandwich for tea. It was alright likes. Hurt my teeth a wee bit. Not a bad shift, that Irish band were playing.. They were ok. I was on the front bar for most of the night, So I didn’t need any earplugs. That group of Irish Girls were in. Good girls. It was dead for most of the night, but then at 12 a load of people came in. Got finished up.. I was considering(strongly) going to cappadoccia, but I managed to resist and I got a taxi home. Super noodles – then bed.

Next week – Work, work, work. I’m not spending any money until june. I can’t afford to. Gig on the Monday, radio on the Tuesday, work work work.