Hive on Tour:For I Am The Lady of Louisiana!

Day two – Saturday – We decided to stay another night in Malaga.. cos it was pretty cool. Unfortunately Maximo Park could not give us a room. Fuck. This is where the stress of our holiday started – we never booked anywhere more than 12 hours ahead. Bad thinking really, but that was the way it worked. Maximo looked after our bags.. we surfed the net, found a decent looking hostel – then headed out in search for it. It was so hot. Unbelievable. On the way across some weird woman tried to give me a fern, I refused but aidan used his master translation skills to tell me it was a gift. She then read my fortune and made me give her 5 euros. She wanted 10 so I think im cursed forever. Stupid cunt, I was ready to fight her. Got to the address of the hostel, and found that it was just an office block.. what the fuck. I’m not quite sure how it worked out, but basically we walked back to our hostel, picked up our bags and got to this ‘office block’.. stood outside for a while.. This was still pretty early, cant have been much past 1pm. We eventually saw a ‘youth’ go in, so we followed them up to the 6th floor where it turned out the hostel was...weird. Game on though. Beach time. Apparently the beach was a 900m walk. 900m my arse. It took us about 1hr to walk there. We were hungry by this time, so went to burger king and got a long chicken. We ate outside.. could barely see anything it was so bright, and the tables were metal. Hit the beach. It was pretty awesome, although the water was absolutely freezing.. I cant believe I expected it to be hot haha. Still brilliant. I got sunburnt to fuck. It was awesome. We stayed there till like 8 at night. I have no idea where all the time goes. Got back, had a quick snooze.

There was 2 aussies in our room who were like ‘a couple beers tonight mate?’ game on. We went to the supermarket and got shed loads of food. This hostel provided free pasta. Beer was cheap as fuck in the supermarket. 4 cooks would definitely spoil the broth, so I cracked open a beer and started to write my blog. 3 times the fucking power cut out, each time it was because Aidan switched the kettle on. I gave up, I was like fuck this – I will do it when I get back. The Aussies were bemused as to how i got away with sitting on a computer while the others slaved over a hot stove. Too many cooks spoil the broth, and I do not want any form of broth spoiled. Anyway, I cut up the bread. We had fuck loads of carbonara. Seriously, everyone was so impressed. There was this American girl there too. Potentially the only girl in the hostel(until a French Canadian appeared). The aussie boys were up for partying so we decided to act like Scottish twats. Drank some cheap beer, some cheap vodka, mixed vodka, beer and wine in a pan that had recently contained carbonara(and still a mushroom) aidan won the challenge(whatever that challenge may have been). The power went off again, the guy at the hostel said it was the air conditioning, even tho it always tripped whenever someone switched the kettle on... Eventually we left. There was also a couple from Guadalahara(I think...) We thought the Hostel worked(Australian) was getting rid of us because of the noise – it turns out he just wanted to come out and get fucked with us. We ran down the 6 flights of stairs in the pitch black with the Australians, Andy managed to hide a corner and scare the shit out of aidan..brillaint. We met like 20 people from another hostel at our door. A Columbian, 2 canadians(hot), Some Spanish American irish from Louisiana(ask aidan for their accent, it was fucking brilliant – Sounded American, except random words would come out thick irish...awesome), a couple from Birmingham and a Weegie. I think that was it. We decided to be proper Scottish bastards all night. Went into an offie for a bottle of vodka, the Columbian said he wanted a bottle of whisky too. We come out with a litre of vodka...he came out with a 50ml miniature Jack Daniels. I have never laughed so much. Good lad tho, I believe he was called Maurice, or quite possibly something else like Horacio. He was sound. He told me about his mushroom trips he had had in the past. Oh I forgot to mention, the green man in spain actually runs. And theres a countdown timer. It’s the best thing in the world. Except it doesent mean anything, the drivers go through red lights all the time. Its very strange. We went to the same place as we had been the night before, except this time we were speaking to people!(we would occasionally smile at each other and exclaim excitedly ‘we’re speaking to people!’) haha. The Louisiana folk asked me to sing them a Scottish song, I sang them Loch Lomond(the Glaswegian said that wasn’t a real Scottish song..whatever, go fuck yourself mate). He then recited a rabbie burns poem...that may be Scottish, but your a fucking geek mate. In return, I made the girl sing me ‘The Lady From Louisiana’, which she didn’t know. After I while I realised it wasn’t a song, but the name of a train in a book I read. So I got her to pretend to be a train. Good effort. We sang lots of Scottish songs. ‘HERE WE, HERE WE, HERE WE FUCKING Go!’. We also made a lot of exaggerations about Scotland. Such as when the sun comes out people stop working and go and lie in the sun(kindof true i guess... I do it...). Talking to the Candians about Ice Hockey, and their use of Ehye(whatever, I don’t know how they spell it). I basically spent the rest of the night talking in a Canadian accent. I told them about our Ice Hockey team called the HIVE HITMEN, and they said they could hook us up with a tour if we came to Canada. I made my vodka a touch too strong, prompting me to put the puke in the post. It got lost at the post office, luckily. There was a big pirate ship in the water(somalian pirates with their Skull and Crossbones-is that what its called?), we tried to commandeer the ship but to no avail.

We headed for a club, on the way I played a Columbian at invisible basketball, he kicked my cunt in. It started properly raining, but the rain was so hot. The American guy was running and sliding for miles, Aidan Tried it 3 times and fell on the floor 3 times. Brilliant. It seems Malagans are particularly fond of Prince, and they have a massive monument to him in their town centre. We sang Purple Rain to him. I got chatting to the French Canadian, I may have in there, but she was a bit weird so I was unsure. She told me 3 phrases to say when I met a French girl, slightly forward(and they don’t really work) 1-Hello, you are beautiful. 2 – cant remember..oops. 3-would you like to sleep with me? She told me it would result in me getting touched...but she never said whether it would be in a good way. Dom occasionally came up and added ‘je suis tres fatigue aujourdui’. We made it to the club, but it was too expensive so we went to COOL – where we had been the night before – It was not bad, a bit too expensive so I got a litre of beer and milked it forever. In the whole place(maybe the size of opium’s downstairs-but very busy) they only had 1 toilet. As in 1 cubicle. My house has more than that. Me and Craig did some sword fighting in the toilet to combat the queues. Bit messy, and the Spanish in the queue behind us were a bit like what the fuck. SCOTTISH BASTARDS. Aidan used his Spanish to speak to some guy, who gave him 2 90% shots. Aidan became pretty fucked(or was already pretty fucked). That place was pretty shit, so we left. I met some welsh guy outside who was trying to convince me to double team someone with him. Slightly strange. The Columbian took us all back to his hostel(he worked there, and most people lived there). It took us ages, I sang ‘take it easy’ with the Canadian girl, pretty much the whole way back. She was a bit of banter, but went to her bed once we got back to the hostel. We took the bus back, I stood on the hinge of the bus, fucking weird and slightly tricky when your pished. Got back to the hostel and had a beer. Canadian went to bed...poor show! Spent most of the time in there chatting with the French Canadian. I didn’t really have much of a clue what she was talking about to be honest. She was a vet and had to save a tiger with two heads.. she was pretty cool, but I have no idea what she was on about. We listened to some rage. Aidan jumped on a stool and went right through it, I have never seen anything so funny. He eventually fell asleep. Irish American made some Chorizo and scrambled egg. Pretty tasty. Except I am not a fan of Chorizo. Still chatting away absolute shite. Started speaking to our hostel man about transformers and other nostalgic childhood stuff, he was a bit older than me...so I wasn’t really sure what he was on about half the time. Eventually it was time to go home. Woke Aidan up... kind of. He got up and started walking like a robot. He walked like he knew where he was going, but he had no idea. He wouldn’t look at any of us. He just kept walking. I had to get him to wait for our guide, the only way I could do this was by standing in front of him and saying random Spanish sounding words and making gestures for him to slow down. It worked. Still he kept walking, with me just behind him to make sure he didn’t walk infront of a car or anything. He pissed against a wall and just kept walking. After about 30 mins he turned to me and said ‘I’m sorry’. And that was him back awake, still totally fucked, but we could talk to him now. Our Australian guide jumped on a traffic come which just caved in on him, so he started complaining that they should be made much stronger than that – oh yeah...im sure that the ability to support the weight of a fully grown man is high in their list of priorities when designing traffic cones. Made it back to the hostel and went to bed. Craig was their too. Me and Dom went to the toilet when we got in. Apparently Craig asked Aidan where we were and he said ‘I have no fucking idea’. I got in and I was afraid I would expose myself to someone so I made a nappy out of my bed sheet. Fell asleep. Pretty good. So fucked.

Tomorrow – Water park! Can’t wait!(i know it has already happened!)