I Cannot Sleep With A Head Like This, I Wanna Cry, I Wanna Scream

Thus completes an equally shit and amazing week. Although, it has to be said that was the absolute best weekend I have ever had(T in the park not included of course). I fucking loved every minute of it. Thankyou to everyone involved in anyway.

Monday – Did some stuff in the house, went about town dropping cv’s and shit. Aidan came round later and I used my kill disk to kill his computer, and then I used my save disk to bring it back from the dead – Aidan’s computer is the son of god basically.

Tuesday – Pancake Tuesday! Fucking love this day. Got up in the morning, nick made some pancakes. I also made some bacon rolls. Fucking great. Went for an epic run. Like doubled my fucking usual difference. Chummed nick to the Uni library and printed some shit off. Went to the library and got a book about world war 2. Figuring I can’t remember how it all went down, and would be good to know! Had an Arcane Corps practise 6-8 – nice, concise, and tight as fuck. Got back to the flat and me and nick made literally fucking loads of pancakes. Like 6 eggs were used in the mix. It was a struggle to eat. Fuck. Craig got back, (we even saved him some pancakes). He casually dropped the bomb that my Metallica tickets had fallen through. 6 days to go. Absolutely fucking gutted. Not sure what I’m going to do. I then spent the next 2 days barely speaking to Craig cos I was so ragin.. I just didn’t know what to say(eh eh). Hit the hay.

Wednesday – Got up early and went about handing CV’s, also went to Johns to catch up with the lad. (this may have happened on Tuesday..) Got back, went about handing more CV’s etc. wild goose chase you know. I had the anger running through me. Totally pumped, went for a run at double the speed I normally go. It was fucking intense. Got back and watched Resident Evil with Craig and Carrie. That big mental thing, whats he called? The Tyrant or the Abominator or something. He can’t be killed.

Thursday – Woke up for work with the perfect song for my current state of mind pumping through me. The Unnamed feeling! That’s a fucking tune. Took a walk to work listening to that and All Within My Hands. St Anger has some tunes like! Got to work, and turned out we were being split into pairs for the day. 90% of the people in were old cronies, and I just couldn’t have handled a day with Bridget or someone(no offence). Stroke of luck, I got paired with Daisy. We also got put together with an actor(slightly random but all good). Our task for the day was to direct a group of 90 folk around the building, like sheep. We started at 8, and we didn’t have to do this until 1130. In that time, I drank 4 cans of coke. Showtime. Blabla, piece of piss. Just had banter with Daisy and this actor(actress). One time, over a year ago – I had a chocolate éclair that was filled with chocolate mousse. A super éclair. That has now passed into legend. There were 10 massive tables FILLED with these éclairs. I just about eat them all. We went to our room, and behold – we had some for ourselves. I spent the next 15 minutes before lunch with a massive grin on my face. Just waiting for the taste of it. Lunch came, I piled my plate high with sandwiches and bruschetta. Excellent. But then came the moment. And I swear to god, this éclair lived up to my expectation of it 100%. It was almost sexual. If you ever get the chance to even look at one, do not pass it up. I was blessed, I had 3. And this was the turning point of the week. From here on in, it becomes the best weekend of my life.

The rest of the day was fun. Nothing too interesting to report. Budget for the weekend - £20 each for Thursday/Friday £50 for pub golf Saturday. I would like to add that I cant actually afford this, but it was to be done anyway. I actually stuck to this budget. Little boots at cab vol. Went to meet Hashy, Barry and Smithy at standing order. We spent the whole time talking about T and Magaluf. “Do you remember the time...”.They fucked off to watch skins, so I went and met Claire and Karin at Advocate. Good banter had there. In time carrie, craig and Charlie arrived(btw, how many fucking names begin with C!) Claire asked me to check on the boots que. I said it was down to the corner, which she responded ‘don’t fucking lie crusher’. Went down about 11, and loan behold, the que was now round the corner, and then round another corner. Fuck that shit, lets hit the hive. We lost Charlie. Went to the hive and was surprised to find it was slightly busy(in comparison to a fortnight ago, when it was only us). In the back dancefloor, there was a partition separating the seats and floor. We sat at the seats. Went up to the DJ, who was absolutely loving it and asked for journey. He was like ‘oh yeah! Yeah!’ so we kindof assumed he would play it. Turns out he does this for any song you request. And just plays fuck all. Except he did play dizee rascal which Claire gave us a superb rendition of. We stood up at the partition, and commanded the fans. Great. Whenever the DJ went to the toilet, me and carrie jumped on the decks only to be thrown off them by the bouncer. I think me and Claire did the foxtrot or something, but we updated it to incorporate modern dance moves. I ran out of money and so resorted to minesweeping. Met joss ross towards the end, and we were dancing with loadsof folk and shit. Met these 2 french girls ‘j’mappelle maude et mart’ I’m pretty sure they were fucking minging, but we thought they could come to a party at our flat. Also Joss Ross and this hot girl he was with could come. However, word spread of this ‘Party at Polwarth’ and me and craig were like fuck it, lets run away. We walked home, forgetting Joss Ross knows where we live. He got 20 people in taxis to our stair, so when we arrived home there were 20 people in our stair making loadsof noise. We got rid of them, nick tried to punch Joss Ross. Joss Ross and the girl came in, I strapped my bass on her and was like goan just play me a cool bassline. She then called Nick a dick, to which craig responded ‘ get out my flat you stupid whore’ they were arguing and I was like ‘guys! Come on. I just want to hear one bassline!’ eventually they left. Haha. Me and craig used joint efforts to open our windows which had been shut for 2 weeks.

Friday – Got up. Had a game of Mario kart. Me and craig decided instead of the usual 8 races, we would have 32! We played the first 4 races 8 times over and over. I absolutely kicked his cunt in, so didn’t actually need to race for the last 4. Felt totally hungover and ended up doing fuck all most of the day. Luckily soundcheck was delayed by 2 hours, so got to hive for 6. Chatted to stalk and hash for an extended period of time. Stalk gave me a 2 for 1 card. Legend. I love that card. Went up with taylor and hashy to clamshell for a donner wrap. That was barry. Went back. We had our first drink at 8ish. Everyone else got like a pint or whatever. For some reason, which I cant understand – I had 2 Jagerbombs. I then watched the over bands totally shaking. I think I can probably pinpoint that as the moment I lost my mind this weekend. Necked 2 bottles of becks before going on, so while the guys were waiting to play, I was in the toilet considering whether to be sick. I declined. Played the gig. It was good. This boy who was fucked got thrown out cos he was so fucked. He totally planted himself into the wall. He then bumped into this guy, who grabbed his throat and through him through the side of the stage. A bit out of order, he was only having fun. For the end of our last song, I took my strap off and held my bass up in the air. Fucking epic. After the gig, just kept hammering the drinks down. Sat in the cocktail lounge. After a while, Sam, Caitlin, Mike, Aidan, John showed up, loads of folks showed up. Funny story happened with me and sam, but I cant repeat it here because people might get offended or whatever. Involved a fit girl but I’m not saying who. We all just got totally goosed. John was in a totally aggressive mode. So I spent from about 2-3 following him around being like ‘leave him alone john, don’t fight him, he’s not done anything’ blab la. I hardly remember speaking to Aij, but I remember him being a cunt. He apparently whispered to some random guy ‘If you ever come near me again, I’ll throw your face through that fucking wall’(the wall which was about 10 metres away). So funny. I also remember having some banter with mike, but I also remember him being a twat. At the end, me and him broke into the hotel opposite the hive, and were gonna steal a trolley of dancefloor pieces. In the end, we just took the tools used to screw them in(essentially screwdrivers) and had a duel with them. John phoned up cappadoccia, and we went and got some kebab. Via John trying to fight everyone he walked past. Spent like 30mins in Cappadoccia, just shaking the guys hands. Standing outside eating our pizza, these 2 irish guys came up and were like ‘what you got on your pizza, margarita, that’s pretty boring’ I was like na its pepperoni. They were like ‘theres no pepperonis on it’, its inside pepperoni. John thought they were trying to eat my pizza, so he goes ‘If you touch his pizza I’l break your fucking nose’ the boys mate goes ‘if you break his fucking nose I’l break your fucking nose’ so Im like ‘if you break his fucking nose I’l break your fucking nose’. Hashy then walks past and I’m like if you break hashys fucking nose then were all fucked. So the guys go away, but as their leaving one of them turns round and shouts to john ‘I fucked your mum’. John then gives me his kebab, fanta and jacket, and chases after the boy. He chased him from greyfriars bobby to marchmont. All the way across the meadows. So funny. We finally caught him and were walking up to hashy’s when a guy walks past us in the opposite direction. John looks at him and goes ‘THAT’S FUCKING HIM!’ the boy screams ‘I’m sorry!’ and sprints off. That was so funny. Walking up to hashys, and we see a girl sitting In a doorway. We were like ‘Are you homeless?’ ‘na, im just waiting for someone’. At 4 in the morning? You daft bitch, come to our house. She was like ‘na fuck off’(also she was a complete bam). So we started walking away. She gets up and calls ‘guys, don’t leave me!’ so she comes up with us. Sittin with her in the flat. Shes like ‘so which ones your room?’ umm.. i sleep in the kitchen. We drank loadsof sam’s mount gay rum. The girl screams at Sam ‘Can i fucking smoke in this flat?’ And i don’t really know what else happened.. we couldn’t remember the girls name, (i think it was tracey or something) so we started calling her Nicola, Fiona, and we progressed from that to stuff like Falafel and Chorizo Sausage, and then just got to like ‘You fuckin Ned’.

Saturday – woke up in the morning to Liam walking around all dressed up in a shirt. He had gone to work a week early. Lounged about there for a while, Caitlin brought me some iron bru. We listened to lots of Stalks favourite tunes. Then Dark side of the moon. Walked back to the flat, struggling to put one foot in front of the other. Very shaky. By this point i had completely lost my mind. I shouldn’t be telling people this – no doubt in a few hours il have men in white suits taking me away – i got back to the flat, sat in my chair and just shook. I then started saying words to myself that made no sense, and didn’t mean anything. I then asked myself aloud ‘what the fuck am i doing talking to myself?’ Went to pick up my bass from the hive. Again, this was a real struggle. Took me fucking ages. Discovered the hoops had won 7-0! Got back, showered, put on the I pod fucking loud. This gave me a proper burst of energy, so i started running about the flat in my boxers, with my bass on playing the bass. John came round and cracked on a couple beers and some pizza. Got dressed up as Luigi, and prepared to depart for pub golf. Intercepted Aidan on the way. Made it to Biddy Mulligans on time(730) no one was there. Aidan got a pizza. Got back, and met Toggy outside. We then met Kara, Tino, Dave and various other people. Biddy Mulligans was totally full. John got us in. Went to the back and got 6 free pints of guiness. Twins arrived. Twin 1 goes to me ‘I’ve not had anything to eat today except for 4 pints’. Classic. Scorecards got handed out. I will say at this point that i decided to not play pub golf, and instead just try and drink as much stuff as possible(kindof similar to pub golf) I told everyone i had done a guiness in 1. Actually i took 1 sip of guiness. I got 28 for The cider. Par for the whole course was only 21. I wrote N/A against Carling because i couldn’t be arsed drinking one. Pub golf is fucking amazing. We only went to like 5 pubs though. Biddys, Frankensteins, Me John and Aij went to 3 sisters to pick up his wages. Almost got some free burgers. Met up with the troops at rush, stayed their for ages. By this point people were asking for photos of me etc. I was struggling to down the cider, par was 4..i was only halfway by 3. Then i forgot i was meant to down it, ended up with 28! I discovered the strategies of experienced pub golfers a move called the TC(Tactical Chunder). I don’t agree with this tactic. Although i did need a poo poo. Went up to nicol Edwards next, and discovered it was karaoke! Jamie went up first, that was pretty funny. Turns out aidans boss was working at the bar, but would she give him some money? NO! Me Tino and Dave started doing jagerbombs.. I tried to make a professional jagertrain, but i almost knocked all the jager on the floor. 3 jagers later, i had to go and sing purple rain. Both times i went on stage this weekend – i thought i was going to be sick. Is my body trying to tell me i shouldn’t do multiple jagerbombs before performing?? Again, i succeeded. Although i still needed a poo poo. Purple rain was amazing. I loved every minute of it. I still haven’t learnt the melody for the verse, but i made up for it in the chorus. The (hot) girl tried to cut me off at the start of the outro, but the chants were too strong. It went on for 3 minutes. I sang the falsetto bit perfectly(maybe), and even air drummed the offbeat bit!(which may or may not actually exist). Although i think my best move was impersonating prince’s dad from the purple rain video(by pretending i had glasses on and was small and fat!) no one knew what the fuck i was doing, so i stepped away from the song to describe what i was doing. Check the video and you will see what i mean! Various other people did various other songs, but the definite winner of it all was johns rendition of Sing for the Moment by Eminem. The place was rammed by that point, everyone was boucing like at a rap concert, john sang every word perfectly(changing the lyrics to say that he fucked a little girl) without even looking at the screen! It was immense. We then tried to leave the Nicol Edwards, this was the moment twin lost the ability to function(about 1130). He collapsed in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, and apparently alex had to carry him home! So funny. We then jumped up to the hive, using my magic card to skip the que and get free entry. Headed straight to the cocktail bar(for some reason we have made this our new home, its a bad idea cos it takes about 10 minutes to go to the toilet.) We ordered the barman to make us 6 cocktails, each of them different. The barman refused. Aij then started shouting at him about how the customer is always right bla blabla. While he was doing this i just told the barman to do what the fuck he wanted. Got these cocktails. Also at the hive we met loads of people, Fay and beth, Brough and Andy, Stalk and Hashy, Polly and Lisa, Kara Brown Hair and Claire ‘quick draw McGraw’ McGrath. I now know her surname! lots of ppl. I have no idea what happened from this point in. I think me john and aidan spent most of the night fighting each other. And trying to get other people to fight John. The funniest thing about going out with john is that whenever i’m speaking to someone he doesent know, John stands behind them mouthing to me if i want his cunt kicked in. At one point john put me in a sleeper hold, i somehow managed to reverse this and pin him on the ground. Sitting on his face. The barman came rushing over and was like ‘break it up, break it up!’ i was like were just having fun.. if i was really fighting, i wouldn’t exactly sit on his face smiling. I remember dancing a fair amount, that was good fun. Apparently Kara Brown hair and kara brown were in the toilet at the same time, and Jammy Fanny was talking about me, so kara brown hair was like ‘You know crusher? Your Kara brown?? I thought you were a myth!!’ so funny. I remember having some awesome banter with Brough, but i cant remember what it was! We left the hive and i was trying to get everyone to come back to mine(not sure why). No one was biting, so i walked most of the way back with Kara brown hair(we need a shorter name for her..is anyone up for calling her KBH??) and Claire. They were moaning about there feet being frozen blab la bla. Got back and found nick on the doorstop smoking. Went upstairs and i decided(for a reason i don’t know why) to get naked, and sleep in the hall, to give craig a suprise when he got back from work. I then decided it was too cold, so went to bed but not before sending loads of nonsensical texts!.

Sunday – Woke up at about 842 for some reason. I got a phonecall from Aidan. Turned out it wasn’t aidan, but a girl who had spoken to ‘Kara’(in a blackpool accent) and had aidans phone and could i come and pick it up. This changed my day from being a typical hungover day, to what is potentially the best end to a 3 day drinking binge ever. I watched star wars. Then went down to pick up the phone. They gave me the address, and asked for some milkshake. Fair play. I got some yazoo, and went along. A guy in an irish top let me in, and was like ‘are you crusher?’ yes, so i went through to hear at least 8 girls screaming at me ‘crusher, crushers here wooo! I went in and theres all these girls on the bed, in their pyjamas and underwear and stuff and they sing to me in perfect(ish) harmony “Macaroni, Macaroni, Macaroni, We Want a Macaroni pie”. I remember this happening in the past.. Aidan and mike did it one night or something. I though oh fuck, do these girls know me?? Have i met them before. Turned out they had just gone through Aidans videos and found it. They also sent a picture message of Dom in hospital to everyone. They were from blackpool, and had just come up for the weekend. They found aidans phone on the floor, and took it home. These girls were fucking legends. They gave me a hat sat me on the bed with them all, we took photos, sang songs. I told one of them i played in a wedding band, she was like ‘what like puppy love?’ and then sang it, before saying that people don’t sing that at weddings. We phoned aidans house and they all spoke to him on the phone. Another one asks(in a very cute accent) “crusher..is this the strangest situation you’ve ever been in?” I wish. Then the girl who lived there came through and announced that she had convinced her flatmate to serve us tea. And dress up like a butler while doing it. So at this point, the boy in the irish top comes through, with a dinner jacket on, a teatowel draped over his arm, and a tray of tea. Things are starting to get stranger... I really meant to get their number or myspace or something..they were such good banter!! And fairly hot too. Left their flat with a feeling of what the fuck just happened. Then they start shouting at me out the window ‘byee crusher’. Amazing. This completed the best weekend of my life.

Charlie and Aidan came over and we watched the football, it was a really weird game which i guess compliments the rest of the weekend. Headed up to my folks for some tea and a bath. Went to bed, and had another crazy dream about Roisin and Katy..there was a 2 headed cat involved.

Everyone involved in this weekend thankyou so much and congratulations, it was without a doubt the best collection of days i have had in fucking ages! Ranks up there with the best of them.
So its now Monday night, and my sanity is returning to me slowly but surely, a couple weeks off the booze should bring that back.
Gonna have a movie night on Friday night – so if anyones interested in saving some cash then head round for some films on Friday. I start teaching on Thursday, working Thursday, and doing some other shit. Pretty good, i don’t have to do anything real until Thursday!!

I love you all. Especially the birthday Twins and Swints.